A Good Story

Our family has been going through a very rough time lately due to a major health issue our baby suffers from. This morning I felt the Lord draw me to Laury Story's album for encouragement. The song that ministered to me most was, "Bless the Lord." Here's the video.



There's also a song on there called "Something Beautiful," or something like that. It just asks the Lord to make something beautiful out of her life. That ministered to me, as well. It gave me language for this time when I just don't know what to say. I want these events to turn into a good story - to know/see that it's leading out of this trouble into something refined. One way the album as a whole ministered to me was just to cast troubles in the perspective of an omnipotent - "Immortal, Invisible" God who is there. I needed to hear that.

On another note, the Lord has instructed my heart to be still during this crisis. Here is a playlist of "Be Still" songs, in case anyone needs such a thing in the future:

Be Still, My Soul, Be Still - Kari Jobe
Be Still, My Soul - Amy Grant (hymn)
Still, My Soul Be Still - Keith and Kristyn Getty
Be Still and Know - Steven Curtis Chapman
Be Still - Seeds Family Worship

Selah. :)

Seeds (again?)

I can't remember if I've written about Seeds Family Worship before, but I think I have.

In any case, their music bears repeat mention.

This morning I was doing a devotional about how my thoughts are like a "soundtrack" constantly playing in my mind, and, consequentially, the importance of my thoughts being focused on God's thoughts.

The devotional didn't specify actual music, but obviously music forms real soundtracks. I know that songs are quite often an effective way for me to have a soundtrack of God's thoughts in my mind.

All morning I've had the SFW Seeds of Praise album playing. Myself and my children have been hearing verses from the Psalms, Isaiah, Zephaniah, and Proverbs. Good stuff to meditate on.

I unreservedly and wholeheartedly would recommend the SWF series!

Broken

Driving around town today, I heard this Lifehouse song.

It's thematically similar to "Hanging By a Moment," in that it talks about holding on to God for dear life.

Unlike HBAM, "Broken" talks about hanging on to a last shred of faith, through pain, through brokenness. It's ambiguous whether the pain is circumstantial, such as a death in the family, or internal/spiritual, such as a prodigal period. Though those two conditions are not morally equivalent, they both result in the experience of affliction. In the case of sin, it is a built-in way that God corrects His people (Psalm 119:71). Sometimes difficult circumstances can lead to a period of self-alienation from God, so the affliction is caused by both internal and exteral factors. It is sometimes hard to say where it started. It is something beween the individual and God, and sometimes pastoral care is helpful to sort it out. As the songs says, "In the pain, there is healing." I think that is true of pain caused by sin or pain caused just caused by life. In either case, brokenness follows, and intimacy with God is possible again (Psalm 51:17, Psa 43:18). The song does a good job creating imagery that evokes the miserable, and yet ultimately hopeful, position of a person who finds himself far from God for whatever reason.

The song uses the word "broken" in each stanza to introduce a different idea. Broken clocks suggest the singer's suspense as he waits - for something. In verse two, broken locks convey the futility of trying to shut God out. One of my favorite lines is, "I tried my best to be guarded, but I'm an open book instead." When I try to shut out God - or even other people - I often just wear my hurt on my sleeve. Sometimes I just can't hide. And that is good, because ultimately I need those relationships. The last verse is about driving - literally (around L.A., where the guys live, perhaps) and metaphorically:

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home.

That simple but apt figure of speech really caught my attention as I was driving around today. Overall, the song gripped me because of its poetry and its resemblance to real human experience. I really appreciate that in a pop song. I started imagining ways this song could be used in church other than as a song to hear in a car, though that is very valuable. Maybe someone else will have an idea.

Way to go again, Lifehouse. :)

A World Away

My husband and I celebrated our ten-year wedding anniversary yesterday. For our wedding, we gave away compilation CD's that we compiled with jackets Scott designed.

The first few tracks were about going the distance together, trusting the providence of a gracious and faithful God. Included in this group were Andrew Peterson's "All the Way Home," and Big Tent Revival's "Two Sets of Joneses." The CD also included some of our favorite Passion praise tunes, like Agnus Dei, and "You are My King," some goofy stuff like "A Wonderful Guy" from the South Pacific soundtrack, and a few relatively unknown tracks like "Yo Tengo," by Silage ("Yo tengo un amiga whose jazz is superstereophonic..."). The last track is Third Day's "To Be With You," which is about how much God's love surpasses the most passionate promises one human can make to another. We felt at the time that that was a good way to frame our wedding. I think we're still in agreement on that ten years later. :)

Two days ago, I took some time to sit and think through the marriage, and yesterday I looked at this CD. The first track is Avalon's "A World Away," from the album *A Maze of Grace*. I still like that whole album. It's peppy, catchy, and yet still truthful. "A World Away" is even more appropo for our marriage now than it was when we first picked it. Here are the lyrics: Avalon - A World Away lyrics | LyricsMode.com

In the scheme of things, ten years isn't that long, but in the human scale, it is, and especially for our culture, we can say that we've come a long way, baby. The CD is a nice link to the past but I am glad that the songs are also a link to the future. It was fun to recognize that though a lot of things have changed, we're still doing music together, and God is still faithful.

Kindness

My son is three months old today. We are all sleeping through the night, and slowly overcoming our physical weariness. My daughter is over nineteen months, and she loves her little brother very much. She literally smothers him with affection. At times I have to chide her to be gentle with her little brother. I have, ironically, caught myself yelling, "Be gentle!" from across the room.

I have also found myself really struggling with judging myself as a mother. At times I have been low - very low. Feeling like a failure. A horror. There is so much to do - so much to teach her.

When our daughter was very little, I chose life verses with her about intimacy with God. It is important to me that she learn she can be close to the Lord. I know that when I spend time with my daughter, I am teaching her to form intimate emotional bonds with others. I believe this translates into deeper intimacy with the Lord, as well.

Intimacy with Hiim is all that keeps me going. I heard Charlie Hall's song "Kindness" today and it helped me understand even better how no opinion, no judgement, and no blessing, is anything compared to the Lord's. When I am off course, if I am close to Him, He corrects me, sometimes with His kindness. In fact, sometimes the only way I know to trust that what I really need correction is the degree of kindness with which that message is communicated.

I believe the most important thing I can teach my daughter and son is how to have an intimate bond with another human being. I know there is much else to teach. But I want them to learn how to be led by love. There are so many who would lead them with harshness, with chains, and with shame.

When my daughter smothers my son with love, I have to be firm with her when I teach her to be gentle. It is just the nature of parenting. I know the Lord does the same with me.

BTW, Charlie's song was on the "Road to One Day" album, which a few friends and I listened to on said road ten years ago. What a road it has been since then.

Hide Away in the Love of Jesus

My son is not quite sleeping through the night yet. I am weary. In the morning I have to decide whether I will have a quiet time, including prayer and Bible study, or go back to sleep. I've found that half an hour of prayer and Bible study is worth much more than half an hour of sleep.

The past two mornings he has slept a six-hour stretch, and woken up completely ready to go, so my day has begun at 5. The Lord knew what I needed, though, because I got a good nap both days after I had my quiet time. I was so thankful.

I heard the song "Hide Away" this morning, which has the title lyrics of the Sovereign Grace album Come Weary Saints. I certainly can relate to being a weary saint, in every sense the song talks about.

Verse 1 is about actually being worn out and needing the Lord's refreshing. Never in my life before having two kids under two have I so needed, and found, the Lord's strength renewing me, keeping me going, even joyful. I seek His rest often, too. I've got to know my life has a purpose and that I'm fulfilling it. I have felt so ashamed of my own sin that I felt I couldn't keep walking the Christian walk. He has straightened me up. I have felt there was no happiness left for me, and He has brought the joy back.

Something I'm going to ponder is whether or not our culture allows people to really be weary anymore. Maybe it lets you be weary, but never hide away. I know sometimes it is up to me to say, no, I just can't do one more thing. I believe the time will come soon when I'll have to start being very careful so that I really don't overdo it and get really exhausted, or crowd quiet time with Jesus out of my life. This song helps remind me, when I tap into my true weariness, where I need to go.

More Power To Ya'

Everything eighties is new again. A bunch of the old hair bands are on reunion tours.

This post comes in response to the news of the CCM version, a Classic Petra tour , beginning this October in the states.

My husband, who will be celebrating his first Father's Day as a father of two on Sunday, likes to make fun of Petra. He didn't get into Christian music until he was in high school, and then only into alternative stuff. He loves eighties music, so I can't quite figure out why the equation doesn't add up for him.

Regardless, when we were both in college and he was going away on a summer mission trip, I made him a mix tape - that's right, I couldn't make a CD back then - and I included the song "More Power To Ya'", which I have always considered a very encouraging song.

The lyrics are a takeoff on Isaiah 40:29-31, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Come to think of it, it's probably something he needs to hear again as a father of two. Someone needs to cover this song, stat! I nominate Jars of Clay.

You say you've been feeling weaker
Weaker by the day
You say you can't make the joy of your salvation stay.
But good things come to those that wait
Not to those who hesitate
So hurry up and wait upon the Lord.

More power to ya'
When you're standing on His word
When you're trusting with your whole heart in the message you have heard
More power to ya'
When we're all in one accord
They that wait upon the Lord, they shall renew
They shall renew their strength.

Just thinking about this songs makes me feel all warm inside. It's beautiful, and I love it when a rock band does a beautiful ballad. I heard it as a child, which brings back fond memories. I hope that my kids still like some of the music that I like now, and that as a family we can have that connection someday. I bet they'll still like "classic" Switchfoot, TobyMac, and StellarKart.

I really hope I can go to a Petra show. I wasn't a superfan or anything, but so many of their songs still speak to me. I often think of earlier songs like "Computer Brains," "Speak to the Sky," "Clean," and "Not of this World." When I was a teenager our youth group sung a bunch of youth choir arrangements from the Beyond Belief album, so the title track, "Love," and "Prayer" are all in my mental repertoire. I bought the Wake Up Call album, in high school - on tape, I think - and could still sing along with it. Their music is enjoyable and reminds me of truth again and again.

I can't think of a better way to conclude than to say, Petra, More Power to Ya'!

Come, Thou Fount

Sunday was Mother's Day; my first as the mother of two. I feel overwhelmingly blessed to have my husband and kids. I am the lucky one. Thank you, Jesus.

There are so many ways I feel blessed. And yet... there are often times when I feel dissatisfied. I know I shouldn't. This isn't exclusive to my past two years of motherhood. At each point in my life I have struggled. I ought to struggle less now than I did, and perhaps I do. I know better than to think about what I don't have than all that I've been given. Yet, my heart is prone to wander, and inevitably I'll see, read, hear, or even just think something that makes me feel like I ought to have something more.

You know, I'm not saying there's not a really important place for a sort of divine discontentment that seeks more and more of God. I don't mean to contradict any notions of Augustine about how we thirst for God the more that we know Him. So don't get me wrong.

I'm talking about the kind of satisfaction that revels in all that God has done for me. That He exists, is good, has saved me, and as though it weren't enough, chooses to bless me on top of that sometimes. Why? Do I have to answer that question? Can't I just enjoy?

The theological point I keep coming back to is Piper's Christian Hedonism. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, or want to. I'm not even sure I ever really do it. But I keep thinking, "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him." So I want to fight anything that makes me dissatisfied with God alone.

When songs are sung about being satisfied in God, I want them to be true of my heart, but sometimes they are not. For instance, the song "More Than Enough" is in point of fact, true. "All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need." I can sing it, and it is true. Sometimes I even feel it. I'd like to feel it more.

That's why "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" is still such a relevant hymn to me. It's a song asking God to make me want to sing about how good He is to me. I need that for my spiritual protection and fruitfulness. I also need to make the confession that my heart is prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love.

Come, thou fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Calls for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of God's redeeming love.

I know His unending mercy calls for praise. It is a goal of mine that my heart would be in tune. So come Lord, help me. And while I'm waiting, I will sing this song.

This Peace

My son was born 18 hours ago. He sleeps in the hospital bassinet a few feet away as I steal these moments to write a note, flagging to the world a momentous day in the life of our family. There is so much I'd like to say, and more that I'd like to journal. For now, there just isn't time. Maybe someday there will be time.

I can't remember whether it was Wordsworth or Coleridge who said that poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful emotions recollected in tranquility. If that is true, it helps explain how Sara Groves' song "This Peace" makes sense as a song about feeling grateful and serene about everything that has come to pass and yet not really having the time to write a song about it. Right now this song is running through my head, an expression of what the poet in me is feeling, and a promise of good things to come.

It's a whisper in my ear, it's a shiver up my spine.
It's the gratitude I feel for all that's arrived.
It's the mystery appeal that's been gratned me tonight;
This peace.

No time to paint a picture,
No time to write it down,
Just time enough to breathe it in, and linger.

Welcome, baby boy. I adore you. You can have my time. Here is a picture for the world.

See, what a morning

Though my post is a day late, this song does not come up short.

Best sung by a choir, "See, What a Morning" is a "resurrection hymn" by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend, who are rapidly becoming my favorite writers these days.

It is actually kind of a dreary morning today where I live, but it was beautiful on Easter Sunday, which was yesterday. Yet, the weather is not the point. Easter Sunday as a day on the calendar, in my opinion, is not even the point! Nor is the main issue whether you have bunnies and eggs (we do).

My point is that this song makes the point about the everyday glory that has been the reason for everyday hope ever since the event: "He lives! Christ is risen from the dead!" I suppose I came to believe in the power of the resurrection before I came to actively believe in the resurrection itself. I was challenged at just the right time, a few years ago, and didn't lose hope, but rather pondered how I had always believed it unquestioningly, and whether or not I still could. The world says that a resurrection from the dead is impossible, but there are those in the world who deny God even exists. The world is often wrong, and can be wrong about the most important things.

More or less, I realized I had to actively believe in the resurrection if my faith was going to mean anything at all. I think I already knew enough about the working of God's power to realize that not even death was strong enough to hold out against it. There had been deaths of other kinds that I'd witnessed - the death of joy, of love, of hope - and I'd seen God bring those back to life. In my little heart, that was enough for faith. The world was wrong.

I have not talked much about the song yet. One thing I love about the way this writing team works is that they weave together more than once concept in a stanza or a line. The words are so alive. I little bit of poetic explication is necessary to lead up to a great example.

Verse 1 is about the actual morning, the emptiness of the grave, the completion of God's salvation plan (or maybe it's the furtherance? I won't dither). The second verse is about Mary weeping at the grave, hearing the Lord's voice speak to her, the voice, the writers point out, that will continue to speak until He returns. Isn't God like that - speaking personally and unexpectedly to us when we weep, feeling alone? Verse 3 is about the majesty of Christ, the functioning of the Trinity, and our union with God through Christ. Here's the whole (short) verse:

One with the Father, Ancient of Days,
Through the Spirit who clothes faith with certainty.
Honor and blessing, glory and praise
To the King crowned with pow'r and authority!
And we are raised with Him,
Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered;
And we shall reign with Him,
For He lives: Christ is risen from the dead!

Well, out of all that, my favorite line is, "the Spirit who clothes faith with certainty." I just rest in that - my faith is held, covered, by the Holy Spirit, who is at work within me. That's how I can believe in the resurrection, and in the working of His power in the world today. Life is not over when it seems over - we are raised with him. The future is not dull - we shall reign with Him. This is a privilege God has reserved for His children that I don't fully understand, but I know the Bible talks about it and that it must be true. Just haven't looked into it much. I should.

Thanks to the choir and director who led us in this song yesterday. It was truly a glorious morning.


From the album In Christ Alone.

Hanging By a Moment

The words "desperate for" came to mind, and I thought about Lifehouse as I was driving my van toward a routine Dr. appt. I am overwhelmed lately with spiritual stimuli - both blessing and trial - and the Lord has admonished me that if I do not stand firm in my faith, I will not stand at all. A friend today gave me the simple reminder that I needed to remain in His word and in prayer. I feel like I have to be steadfast in all of this. "There's nothing else to lose, nothing else to find." I'm hanging by a moment, and I should be letting go of what holds me back. Letting my soul stand before the Lord, hanging on every moment with Him. Good song, LH.

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....


From the album No Name Face.

So Long, Self

Hello! Sunny day here where I am, after days and days of grey and snow! Soon we are going to have snow again; meantime, spirits are lifted and all feels blessed.

I've been doing some reading for a workshop I'm leading on the role of music in worship. Reading broadly has brought me face to face with the truth that my life is meant to be about worship, and worship is not about me. It's almost comical how often I have to be reminded. I am so grateful for a God who doesn't let me forget, because the less I see of me, the more I see of Him! Hallelujah!

Helping me stay light-hearted on this step in the journey is Mercy Me with their song "So Long, Self" from the 2006 album Coming Up To Breathe. It's written like a breakup song, only it emphasizes that they can't still be friends.

So long, self
Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don't cry
So long, self

How I wish I were really that free and easy! My "self" is like the crazy girlfriend that keeps calling. And I am like the crazy woman that keeps answering the crazy ex-boyfriend's calls and texts, like I need the attention or something. Oh - to be rid of it! I'm hopeful that if I keep singing this song to myself I'll experience death to self as a greater reality.

So long! :)

Jesus, Messiah

Christmas, the celebration of the incarnation of God in man. Unexpectedly, the Christmas occasion sermon at my church this ytear was taken from Philippians 2, rather than one of the gospel accounts of Christ's birth. It brought a fresh understanding to me of what God With Us really means. Our pastor reminded us that the most proper attitude at Christmastime is humility, considering the degradation to which Christ submitted Himself, and the glory that God gave him, as the God-man, as a result of His obedience.

I looked on my notes tonight in a quiet moment and was reminded of Chris Tomlin's "Jesus Messiah." He came as a man so that He could carry a cross and become sin, Who knew no sin, that we might become His righteousness. Love so amazing!

Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer, Immanuel.
He's the rescue for sinners
The ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all.

I am all about Christmas -- all of it. Give me the chestnuts roasting on an open fire where I can dream of a winter wonderland. The sweets, the lights, the gifts - it's all magical to me. At the heart of it, I believe, is a sense of comfort and joy, that He has come to be with us.

All our hope is in You
All glory to You, God
The light of the World.

Amen, and Merry Christmas.

O God, Our Help in Ages Past

I feel ambivalent about my birthday this year in a lot of ways. One the one hand, I like parties, cake, and I admit, presents. On the other hand, I am getting older. I have to maturely accept that my birthday will not be as cool for me as it was when I was a kid. It's nice to have a reason to celebrate, but I kind of want to deny I'm getting older. So I kind of want it to be a big deal, and I kind of feel like it shouldn't be. I think we are going out to dinner with some friends tonight, and my husband is getting me a cake.

I think I'm seeing a pattern now over the years that things even out; one realizes that a lot of stuff that seemed important in the teen years, or even in college, really weren't. You knew they weren't then, too, but it just really seemed like it. Now I feel old and wise enough to be the hoary advisor who tells teenage girls what's up and how to stay steady.

I started to thank the Lord this morning for what He's done this past year. There has been so much grace when I have failed. Strength when I was weak. Patience when I was stubborn. Delight when I sought it. I thanked Him for a wonderful church, a beautiful daughter, a caring husband. And as I started to think of life carrying on for another ten years, I thought of this hymn.

O God, our help in ages past,
Our hope for years to come,
Our shelter from the stormy blast
And our eternal home.

I looked up the seventeenth-century lyrics and it turns out they suited my musings quite well. You see, Isaac Watts writes about the passage of time, and how it takes all of our lives, and at the same time, how God is in control of all of that time, and of all of our lives. It talks about creation and eternity. The new, and the continuous. That's the kind of contrast life holds for me right now.

I've been studying 2 Peter, which talks about our hope in Christ's second coming. You know, I am not sure I think enough about what happens after this life, or how I'd really like it to end. The saints to whom Peter was writing seemed concerned that those who died before Christ's return wouldn't get to see the event. He assured them that they would rise first, and then the living would meet them in the air. How thougthful, really, of the living, and of Peter to allay their concerns.

Such framing events provide a narrative to life, and I know I need a story to live in. Christ will return one day. I don't think much about it, but I believe it. And looking back on life, I see how He has been my help, and I can trust Him to be my home now in the future.

That kind of truth is better than a birthday party. Gives me steady hope. But give me a birthday party, too, and if it's not too much trouble, a short-lived, cake-induced sugar rush. Oh, and that other song I love to hear - "Happy Birthday to You."

"O God, Our Help in Ages Past," Lyrics by Isaac Watts, music by William Croft. More lyrics can be read, and the tune heard, at http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/o/g/ogohiap.htm

Revelation Songs

Tomorrow marks the date when, nine years ago, my husband and I embarked on life together as a couple. It so happens that I was going to write about Third Day's song "Revelation," which is a plea for a specific, timely direction from the Lord. There are times when you just need that. There have been times in our marriage when we've said, in effect,

Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've nothing without You.

The last line of the chorus is always true - I've nothing without Him. In good times and bad, sickness and health, in plenty and in lean times, I have Him, my husband has Him, we have Him. This is both humbling and reassuring. A bedrock on which to establish a marriage, a family, a life.

The title of Third Day's song combined with the wedding theme reminded me of "Revelation Song," originally recorded by Kari Jobe and now also by Phillips, Craigs, and Dean. This is an awesome song. It's in some kind of odd key - maybe minor? I tried playing it and can't quite figure it out. The effect is ethereal, and evokes the throne room, where four living creatures surround the throne, eternally singing,

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,

We have a glimpse of this heavenly scene in Revelation 4, while here on earth -

With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

Marriage is a glimpse of heaven, as well, meant to symbolize Christ and His bride. When they are united, Revelation 19 says that a great multitude say, "Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready."

Oh babe, I don't really know that I was ready. You know that now. But we both know that our purpose here is to get ready for heaven, when things will be revealed "which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him" (1 Cor 2:9). It will be true then, as it is true now, that "God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever," but for now I see only dimly.

Here is to more of the journey, of seeking, remembering, believing, and worshipping.

Worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He.

KMM

"Revelation" by Third Day, title track of the new album.

"Revelation Song" by Gateway Worship recorded by Kari Jobe on her self-titled album and Phillips, Craig and Dean on the album Fearless.

Step by Step

Ah, naptime. I call it "mommy time." A few hours when things are quiet and I can work on projects, or think.

Time has been telescoping in my mind lately. Every little moment seems huge, and yet I can all too easily look ahead twenty years and realize the world is going to be a much different place then.

My little one turns eight months old today. I've said it before, but people who say time just flies by when you have a baby are speaking from outside the event. Inside the phenomenon, time passes very slowly. There are diapers, feedings, endless nights when you hold her because she doesn't feel well enough to sleep peacefully. There are milestones, moments, pictures, visits from grandparents. There is fear, failure, victory and reward.

All the while, you are loving a little person - a baby, in other words. It has just become clear to my heart that this little person will grow up. In twenty years, I will not be able to just hold her, as much as I might want to, and that thought makes me sad. If I could indulge a single moment longer here, it also makes me sad to think that she won't remember how good we had it when we could just lay on the floor and play together. I have to take pictures to prove it to her. :)

So time passes slowly, still, and yet I can see past the horizon to know that these days are coming to an end very soon. There will be birthday parties, scraped knees, teeth, and - gasp - school! Walking through the school supply aisle today at the supermarket I was thankful we don't have to deal with that just yet.

There will soon be that first step. I admit that I am ambivalent about her walking, per se, because I know once she is mobile I will be worn out chasing her around. Of course I will be proud, though. I imagine that my husband I will both be there and I will let go of her hands as she toddles over to him. I hope it happens that way. :)

My daughter's Praise Baby video features the song "Step by Step," originally written and recorded by Rich Mullins. The video portion features babies taking some of their first steps, which is especially cute over the words, "learn to walk in Your ways." God is in it all, I've concluded. Cradle to grave.

Being mentally transported into the world of my daughter's future also means considering the years of my own life. That makes me think of other lyrics from the song, and I don't think these words are in the Praise Baby version:
Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that no less than he
A star in the Abraham's array - one that waited to be born for thousands of years, one of many. My life is put in perspective with these few lines. In the grand scheme, I am blessed through Abraham, blessed to be a child of the faith. In seeing my daughter's future I get the sense that my life is part of history. I do not understand all of my past and don't know what will happen in my temporal future, but I know one thing remains constant - He is my God, and by His grace I will ever praise Him.

Feeling inspired

Silent for a season. I've been finishing a semester of school, packing, moving, and traveling. And in the middle of it, I've felt kind of uninspired.

But, the other night I saw a sneak preview for Julie and Julia, a movie based on Julia Child's life story and the experience of a woman who blogged her way through Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I really enjoyed the movie. It wasn't Shakespeare, and far from scripture, but it did have its transcendent moments, I think, and what especially what worked for me was how she stuck with her blog out of the desire to finish something. The movie made blogging - and cooking - look fun, and it made me want to get back into the former.

I'm including some of my cooking in this first post-hiatus post. I'm relying on Super Foods for Babies and Children by Annabel Karmel for ideas and recipes. It's not French cooking, but it does involve sauteeing onions and making delicious food. I just added the frozen peas to "Chicken, Sweet Potato, and Pea Puree," in which I substituted regular potatoes. It smells wonderful. In a few minutes I will puree it and then freeze in ice cube trays what I don't serve my daughter for lunch. I have been successful making other purees and recipes from this book.

It's just what a cookbook should be - full of pictures, clear on directions, and enthusiastic about the food. It is also didactic; it tells you how to do what it's telling you to do. One learns how to cook. That is just what Julie wanted to get out of Julia's book. Ah, there's something hospitable, neighborly, and genuinely lovely about a good cook book.

Well, I'm hoping to get back to writing about songs soon but for now, Bon Appetit!

We're the issue

I've been reading a lot of feminist writing lately for school, in part because there is not much from any other perspective dealing with problems women face today. I'd like to offer another perspective, though: problems women face today, including chauvinism, are real, but their solutions are spiritual, not political. I hear a lot of talk about power relations. Isn't it obvious that the question of who has the power is just another way of asking who is abusing it? Much of the discourse I've read merely pits interest groups against one another. The conflict is real, but additional skirmishes of the same kind will not end it. Fighting will just lead to more fighting, more wounds, more animosity.

The real problem is a fundamental moral flaw in men and women. Among Switchfoot songs that have been relevant to me today is "Ammunition," which describes the strife aptly: "We've been blowing up, we're the issue. It's our condition. we've been blowing up; we're the issue. A detonation ... we are the fuse and the ammunition." The problems that exist among humans exist because of human nature. We start them - we're the fuse - and we make them worse when we add the ballistic forces of hatred, denunciation, and derision. As the song says, "We've got ourselves to blame. Look what a bomb we've made of love."

When women fight for rights while men continue to accuse them of the sameo old things; when men find that no woman is able to live up to every ideal, isn't it time to ask if the problem is perhaps both created and sustained by human nature itself?

If so, the question becomes not whether women and men can strike a power balance but whether or not human nature itself is redeemable. How do you make ammunition safe from its own volatile nature? Furthermore, how can this be done without taking away all of its spark? I don't believe we were meant to be either combustible or cold as gunmetal.

In the gospel according to Switchfoot there is another song, "Redemption Side." Four in the morning, the speaker is lonely and alienated, but says,

I've got my hands
At redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than
These doubts of mine
I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside
and I'll come alive

That's what I want, and that's what I think we need - a savior big enough to handle all of our monstrosities - the messes we've made - and bring us into a real life that isn't about bruising each other for our own selfish gain but living for something bigger - something holy - an eternal flame that consumes what part of our ambitions make us impure and refines us to live for the glory of One who created us in His image, male and female.

Blessed Be Your Name

I started reading the book of Job the other day because, like him, I feel caught in the middle of circumstances I don't understand. I wondered what I would take away from this book which is at times very dark. I have found one bright spot that dispels this darkness. Chapter 1 verse 21 says, "And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I've been returning to that verse over the past few days as I have had occasion to bless the Lord on my behalf, and that of others. God gave a son to some friends this morning; blessed be His name! His name is also to be blessed though He took away a child growing in another mother's womb. The Lord took away a friend's job, but even the friend would declare "blessed be the name of the Lord."

The friend who experienced a miscarriage told me she has been meditating on Job's words in 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not adversity?" This has kept things in perspective for her. On my own small, private, scale, it keeps things in perspective for me, too. My daughter sleeps through the night at two months old - blessed be the name of the Lord! It is difficult to get her to nap and she yells in my ear when I try to burp her. Blessed be His name.

I have had the Matt Redman song in my head for the past few days. It is such a catchy tune that it's easy to forget the dark circumstances that were the context of those words.
Remembering Job's sufferings when I hear this song reminds me that I may not understand my circumstances, good or bad, but that God is still in control, has a purpose for my suffering, and plans to prosper me, as He did for Job.

On a very practical level, this helps me accept the ups and downs of my day. When my daughter rests or entertains herself in the bouncy seat, I can bless the Lord. When she cries for a solid hour, and I don't understand why, though I've tried, blessed be His name. The Redman song reminds me how to respond, to: every blessing He pours out I'll turn back to praise, and when the darkness closes in, still I will say, 'Blessed be the name of the Lord.'

If this is a dream...

I've been thinking about a Charlie Hall song that is really a scripture song, entitled "You Have Done Great Things." Its Psalm 126 set to music, which makes memorization a cinch.

The Psalm is about how God had set His people free before, and now His people want Him to do it again.

When they were set free the first time, they felt as though they were in a dream state (v. 1). It must have seemed too good to be true. Like the Cardinals getting into the Superbowl after a history of bad seasons.

Charlie Hall takes the statement "we are glad" and turns it into "we are filled with joy." I like the simplicity of the Psalmic language. It doesn't need to be overblown; if you've been in captivity for awhile, just to be glad is enough.

For me, the "great things" the Lord has done have been little breakthroughs my seven-week-old daughter has made, like learning to smile. It sets my heart free to sing for joy. The bridge of the song, which is the end of the Psalm, tells why:

Those who sow in tears shall reap with joy
And return with shouts and songs
Carrying the fruit of God.

The season of sowing is different for everyone. I for one have sown in tears the past few weeks, as all new mothers do, and the harvest I reap is when my daughter reaches a new milestone. My heart is singing this song - "You have done
great things." If this is a dream, don't wake me!