Even if he does not

Right off the heels of a revelation of God's blessing, a spiritually intense - and potentially rewarding - season follows.  I have begun to pray and fast for Stefan and also for clarity on whatever else the Lord may choose to shed light.  So far, what has happened is that the Lord has led me to a verse to pray or meditate upon for my little boy, as well as for my faith.

Today's blessing was from Habakkuk.  Of all unlikely places to end up this morning, I was there, glancing over most of it after a Bible lesson on patience and timing.  These verses from Habakkuk 3 were part of my wedding vows to Scott.

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

I sort of forgot about those verses until we were on our way home from a playdate.  It really had been a good morning, but toward the end Stefan started throwing fits, and then I got a parking ticket.  It was one of those situations where I was walking up as they were giving me they ticket.  They got some feedback from me.  It was ugly.  I cried from the frustration of the fits and the near-miss at getting the ticket. 

I prayed, and thought about it, and then was kind of okay.  Oh, I'll still try to appeal the ticket.  I think the fine is outrageous.  I'll probably still have to pay, but I gotta speak up.

More importantly (and kind of surprisingly for me to get spiritual about such things) I remembered these verses as I drove.  Okay, so what if I don't have a perfect morning?  What if Stefan still has fits sometimes, and we have to work through it.  Or bigger - I asked myself, "What if God doesn't...?"  What if what I want and what I get are very, very different?  I remembered the three Hebrews who proclaimed to Nebuchadnezzar that their God had power to save them, but even if he did not, they would not bow.  I remember a quote I read a few weeks ago and shared with some friends, "The enemy will always threaten us with what we fear if our faith is conditional." 

My fears often take the form of "What if?" statements.  I realize I need to turn my "What if's?" Into, "Then, God."  I can't deny the situation or bargain with God - I have to trust.  That's what Habakkuk is testifying here - If... then, God.

This has been my story for a long, long time; I may not always share about the lifeless trees and stunted buds, desolate fields and missing livestock.  I need to learn to be more honest about such things; more transparent.  When I fail to be so, it is partly because it is just so uncomfortable for me to share about, and partly because of this commitment, in feast or fallow, to "be joyful in God my Savior," trusting in God's future grace.  Whatever comes... God.

Outside the box

We are relocating, for the second time in less than six months. It was wise to rent first and then buy, but it does mean that we have an extra move. Fortunately, this one isn't far away. Tonight as I was packing up a box of my kids' blocks I realized part of the reason why moving is so hard for me - I want to figure out what I think is the best way to do everything first, and then do it. Trouble is, by the time I figure out the absolute best way of doing it, I could have done it sufficiently three times over. Now I know what my perfectionist, idealistic friends are thinking. That anything less than the best is not worth doing. But for me, it is to the point of paralysis sometimes. As I was packing up this box of blocks, which are irregularly shaped, I was rearranging them as I went, to find the best possible fit. I have tried arranging these blocks before; there is no perfect way to do it. No matter what, the lid just won't quite fit. And since I was just going to carry them by hand from my current house to our new house, it didn't have to be perfect. I really wish it could be. I want every little thing to be just divine - in both the spiritual and aesthetic sense (which makes me wonder if maybe those expressions are different perspectives on the same impulse). But sometimes, I think, I miss the forest for the trees. The main goal is really to get the blocks portable from here to there. Anyway, I had this tiny epiphany and shared it with my husband to try to show him I was growing in some way. He just nodded, and said, "Yeah." So obvious to him, I guess. He's more of a Git 'er Done guy, which is what I knew I needed.

Why it matters

To quote from a few classic films:

Casablanca: Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. 

The Naked Gun: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

 Above, you see a picture of the lentils that my husband cooked yesterday while I was out. They were delicious.  We had them for dinner, and will have them again today for lunch.  It seems like such a small thing, but it's a big deal.  I didn't have to cook last night, and today, I can just have a good time with the kids and not have to worry about fixing lunch.  It makes a big deal.  It spoke volumes of love and encouragement to me.

Here's lookin' at you, babe!

I don't think it's selling my birthright to be thrilled over these bowls of soup.  The little things, as well as the big, matter.  I keep thinking of this song by Sara Groves when it comes to creating music.  It's easy to get discouraged and thing that what I want to write or sing about doesn't amount to a hills of beans in this crazy world.  This song encourages me and reminds me that a song can be like that cup of cold water - refreshing, life-giving.

Here is Sara Groves performing "Why it Matters"  at an International Justice Mission event.  Enjoy!


GPG 2009 - "Why It Matters" by Sara Groves from International Justice Mission on Vimeo.

Making good neighbors

They say good fences make good neighbors.  Well, we have no neighbors on this side of the house, but now we have a better fence, so maybe we will get better neighbors.  This was one of Scott's many acts of love over the weekend.  I can wait to blog them all (those I haven't eaten already).