Thus saith the Lord

The Lord confronted me about my attitude today.

He wasn't mean or harsh about it, just straightforward. Direct. The sharpest blades leave the smallest scars. His is the sharpest.

I was having a pity party. I woke up today knowing that I should try to be thankful for as much as I could be, and I have tried, yet still ended up feeling kind of down in the dumps.

I would like to set you up with my excuses the context.

I've been sick with a cold for six days, and so has my son. So we've sort of been stuck together. Do you remember when you were home from school for a week in fourth grade, and you'd watched so many movies and gotten so lonely you almost went crazy? Well, my son and I were both feeling that way, but were stuck together. As a fourth grader I could just let mom take care of me, and I didn't know to be thankful for that. Now, the house gets dirtier the longer I'm sick, and that makes me feel worse.

I had a list of phone calls to make, and they kept becoming more complicated than they needed to be. I aim to live in a world of ideal essence, where the exact thing I mean is perceived in the ether, and my desired answer transmitted simultaneously, static-free. It wasn't working that way. Much of this had to do with dealing with organizing health care appointments for my son. We've been given so much in the way of health care opportunities, but there is also so much to figure out. Provider A needs something from me that I need to get from Provider B. I didn't know that, so must call B, then wait awhile to reschedule with A, etc.

I started a new semester of teaching at the community college. It went well, actually. Yesterday it worked out for my husband to stay home all day, and I got LOTS done. Even when I'm sick, I can do a lot of teaching/research/writing. It's really in the care of small dependents that I find the plastic limits of my selfish skin. Again, a relatively new situation, so am trying to figure things out as I go along. It's okay; it can be a rush, but it takes a lot of energy, leaving less for said dependents.

One benefit of teaching is that I get to take a course or two for free. I considered taking one - I still am considering it - but also thought, how can I start something new if I haven't finished the degree program I started? What if I NEVER finish this degree - and it's all - all the work, the move - for nothing?

I was mulling all of this over, and in my heart, there rose the question, "Why are we out here? Why is everything so hard?" I sensed a response, "Maybe He brought you out here to deal with your bad attitude."

Yikes. Oh, yikes. Desert wanderings... forty years... quail and manna... Oh, no...

My husband took the kids to get a movie, and after I got dinner in the oven I decided to blog a bit because this is just what's going on. There is so much bitterness in my heart and on some days it is really corrosive. Just before I sat to write, I heard Matt Redman singing,"You give and take away/ My heart will choose to say/ Lord, blessed be Your name."

I know that is the right attitude. It is so much my pride that has a problem. I just added tags to this post, and of the six, "bitterness" is the only one that has appeared before. Thematic, tracing a path through this wilderness.

Sweet Hearts

Happy Valentine's Day!  It has been a very chocolatey day around here.  We started with chocolate-chip heart-shaped pancakes.

This was a successful pancake experiment.  I used the standard BHG cookbook recipe.  Sometimes it does work (see prior post about experimenting with pancakes for backstory).

At dinner we had brownies, and my husband gave me a big box of chocolate.  Unexpected!  Notice there is already one missing.

Tonight our family had a candlelight dinner.  We gave the kids little presents and let me know how much we loved them.  I got this idea from Sarah, the Character Mom.  Check out her blog at http://thecharactermom.blogspot.com/ .  She has a monthly newsletter full of ideas on how to teach one character trait per month; it's been a great resource for us these past few weeks.  The Funky Sheep of a prior post were an idea that came directly from her.

Here is my little sweetheart and me tonight. We got a little dressed up for our "family party."  This just became one of my favorite pictures.

So, it has been a sweet Valentine's Day, full of sweets.  There is another kind of sweet heart I've been thinking of, and that is the kind that is pure of bitterness.

I had the privilege of hearing a speaker this week who discussed finding grace for the seasons of life.  During one of her sessions, she spoke about bitterness, and about how to run to God once you've been running away.  So much of what she said helped me understand passages of my life.  Two things that stood out were that sometimes going numb is the response of bitterness, and that sometimes you can run away from God without anyone knowing because you are such a well-trained Christian; I believe "housebroken" was the word she used.  I don't want to go back to being bitter.  I want the Lord to sweeten my heart so I can continue to walk in grace.

Since the retreat, I've been thinking of this Natalie Grant song, which is in the repertoire of one of my voice students.  As such, I have thought about every word.

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned sovereignty
And had my share of doubt

Check. :)

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams
And though it seemed 
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on.

Praise the Lord, yes.  Check.

And the chaos in my life has been a badge I've worn
And though I have been torn
I will not be moved.

Those last three lines - the bridge - have made me think a lot.  Chaos can bring bitterness.  It did me.  I'm not sure why that is.  In any case, I feel like the thing to do now is move forward.  I look back and see how even in the bitterest of my bitterness, He was there, sweetening, drawing me to Him.  I just love Him for that.  I may stumble, I may fall down; I will make mistakes, I will face heartaches.  By grace, He will not let me go.