A reason to sing

I just savored a piece of chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting that my husband and daughter made for me for Mother's Day. It was a nice moment; real and peaceful. Sometimes I have those moments. However, I think I got the impression from Dove chocolate commercials that I should be having a lot more of them. It's been a weirdly difficult season. There have been highlights, but overall, it's just been a surprising drag, and my soul has been a bit parched. I am not here to testify that it is springtime in my soul again, and life is far from a series of Dove moments. But I do have an anchor for my soul, and in the storms, I've dug deep again and found it still holds. I feel the Holy Spirit urging me during this season to just hold on. A few weeks ago I felt the need to come before the Lord and bare my heart. And yet, when He asked me what was on my heart, I couldn't answer. I was just that numb. Around this time I listened to the All Songs and Daughters album Season One and a couple of songs stood out. One is called "A Reason to Sing." As this blog attests, music and lyrics satisfy my soul, and this one really described my relationship to my circumstances. when the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor and all that seems to matter is that I can't feel you anymore is that I don't feel you anymore i need a reason to sing i need reason to sing i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands i need a reason to sing These lyrics massaged the callouses off of my heart. I realized I couldn't speak because life just wasn't making sense, and it was hurting. And I realized, too, almost at the same moment, something about that anchor that went so deep. In an instant it was clear, though perhaps not verbally, that I always have a reason to sing, although I may be so weary and worn that I don't have the energy to come up with the words myself. There is a companion reprise track later on the album that I think captures and supports this response, and all it says is, "I will sing, sing sing, to my God and King, you are good and holy Lord, you are always the reason." So I may not have a lot to say for myself right now, and I still feel parched in some ways, but I now know that that river of life is coursing somewhere below the surface, ready to spring forth in praise and refreshment when the right time comes. Maybe that is peace like a river; grace to walk through a desert when the journey is longer than expected.

Thus far the Lord has helped me

I read this week in my bible study about how when Noah emerged from the Ark one of the first things he did was to set up an altar and worship God.  Well, we have made it to this point in our journey, and thus far, the Lord has helped us.  So this post is a notch in the tree to help me think on all of God's blessings.

Here are a few specific things He has helped us with already:

- getting my husband a job
- finding us a place to live
- finding buyers for our house
- helping us find a church
- actually physically getting out here
- finding us a really great grocery store (sounds silly but I love it)
- sweet reunions with family once we got out here

These are some pretty big pegs.  I was challenged to change my thinking earlier this week.  One of the things the Lord used was this oldish song by Out of the Grey, which I heard on my TV's "Contemporary Christian" channel.  Good songs have staying power, and I'm glad the Lord brought this one out of the dust as a mile marker for me.

Sweet Hearts

Happy Valentine's Day!  It has been a very chocolatey day around here.  We started with chocolate-chip heart-shaped pancakes.

This was a successful pancake experiment.  I used the standard BHG cookbook recipe.  Sometimes it does work (see prior post about experimenting with pancakes for backstory).

At dinner we had brownies, and my husband gave me a big box of chocolate.  Unexpected!  Notice there is already one missing.

Tonight our family had a candlelight dinner.  We gave the kids little presents and let me know how much we loved them.  I got this idea from Sarah, the Character Mom.  Check out her blog at http://thecharactermom.blogspot.com/ .  She has a monthly newsletter full of ideas on how to teach one character trait per month; it's been a great resource for us these past few weeks.  The Funky Sheep of a prior post were an idea that came directly from her.

Here is my little sweetheart and me tonight. We got a little dressed up for our "family party."  This just became one of my favorite pictures.

So, it has been a sweet Valentine's Day, full of sweets.  There is another kind of sweet heart I've been thinking of, and that is the kind that is pure of bitterness.

I had the privilege of hearing a speaker this week who discussed finding grace for the seasons of life.  During one of her sessions, she spoke about bitterness, and about how to run to God once you've been running away.  So much of what she said helped me understand passages of my life.  Two things that stood out were that sometimes going numb is the response of bitterness, and that sometimes you can run away from God without anyone knowing because you are such a well-trained Christian; I believe "housebroken" was the word she used.  I don't want to go back to being bitter.  I want the Lord to sweeten my heart so I can continue to walk in grace.

Since the retreat, I've been thinking of this Natalie Grant song, which is in the repertoire of one of my voice students.  As such, I have thought about every word.

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned sovereignty
And had my share of doubt

Check. :)

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams
And though it seemed 
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on.

Praise the Lord, yes.  Check.

And the chaos in my life has been a badge I've worn
And though I have been torn
I will not be moved.

Those last three lines - the bridge - have made me think a lot.  Chaos can bring bitterness.  It did me.  I'm not sure why that is.  In any case, I feel like the thing to do now is move forward.  I look back and see how even in the bitterest of my bitterness, He was there, sweetening, drawing me to Him.  I just love Him for that.  I may stumble, I may fall down; I will make mistakes, I will face heartaches.  By grace, He will not let me go.

I will sing with my mind

Sophomore year of high school, my English teacher had us put together poetry notebooks.  We were to collect examples of genre, meter, rhyme scheme, figurative language, etc.  One of the poems I chose was "Love is Like Sounds," by Donald Hall.

Late snow fell this early morning of spring.
At dawn I rose from bed, restless, and looked
Out of my window, to wonder if there the snow
Fell outside your bedroom, and you watching.

I played my game of solitaire. The cards
Came out the same the third time through the deck.
The game was stuck. I threw the cards together,
And watched the snow that could not do but fall.

Love is like sounds, whose last reverberations
Hang on the leaves of strange trees, on mountains
As distant as the curving of the earth,
Where snow still hangs in the middle of the air.

My 15-year-old self had trouble with this poem, and my teacher helped me understand that is about how feelings can linger for a long time, frozen and unaffected by time.  

This morning the landscape is dusted with our first winter snow, and I found myself thinking of this poem.  It has stuck with me for almost 20 years.  It wouldn't have if it weren't for two things: the striking imagery, and the fact that someone interpreted it for me.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 14 this morning, which talks about the usage of gifts in the body - particularly speaking in tongues.  The emphasis is upon its value as edification; the message must be intelligible, or else the only person edified is the messenger.  Then when it is interpreted, the listeners are to carefully weigh what was said.  I'm not sure what that means; if they are to judge it, or if they are to think about applying it; assuming it is spirit-led, though, it must be the latter.

Twenty years later I'm involved in writing songs and helping others do the same.  I think there are three important goals to emphasize with songwriting; one is spiritual, one is artistic, and one is in-between.

1) The songs must be intelligible.  This is both an artistic and spiritual concern.  That does not mean that they have to be simple, but they do need to be coherent and consistent.  If the writer is the only one who understands it, it is merely a personal language and communication is lost.

2) The songs must be edifying.  This is a spiritual concern and relates primarily, though not exclusively, to content.  The poem above is not something I would want or expect to be read in a church service.  I suppose it is on the distant horizon of edification, because it is life-affirming to the degree that it recognizes that love and pain are real.  But it is also a bit wallowy.  There are probably more edifying responses to such pain.  I read somewhere the other day that Satan is the enemy of all life.  He says death to creativity, to hope, to the value of personhood, to the soul.  I would say that music that does so, in form or content, is not edifying.  This takes discernment, because songs are complex, but it is still one of the right questions to ask.

3) The songs must be good.  This is an artistic concern.  If Donald Hall were not a good poet, I would not remember his poem 20 years later.  It wouldn't make me slightly sad when I look at snow, and remember my sophomore year of high school.  There are a lot of ways to say "feelings can remain frozen and unaffected by time," but the particular way in which he said it, made me remember it.  Christian lyrics should do the same - strive for artistry so that the song can linger with a person and continue to build them up through the years.

I always find 1 Corinthians 14:15 encouraging,"I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my mind; I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my mind." The whole chapter and the preceding two are about how God gives many gifts in the body.  I am grateful that in a small way that music can - and must - be used to edify.

Obsolete

Well, I admit it.  I am not cool.  I am also reminded constantly that it is no longer my generation's moment - the torch has passed.  Or so I think...

I'm kind of confused as to what "generation" I belong to.  I have heard Generation Y described as those born 1978-1999.  If so, I am Gen Y's elder sister.  If it starts with 1980, I am the littlest X'er.  Both seem right to me.  I alternately feel like both Meg and Amy.

Part of this has come from the realization that younger people are doing cooler things than me, and that they do not speak my language and I do not speak theirs.  It's kind of painful.  I want to connect but feel... obsolete.  Like I have to think of all new metaphors, and they have to translate through Twitter.  I just can't keep up.

I wonder if anyone can.  I heard a college freshman the other day say something to the effect of, "Older generations complain that we do everything too fast.  Why do they complain about us being fast?  Why don't they just let those of us who are fast do our thing, and the slower ones just get out of the way?"  I doubt the guy was aware of the social darwinism of that statement.  I think he just likes speed - as do I - and I think he is 18 and hasn't found his limit.  One day he will sing a different tune.

I don't think it will be a day too far off, either.  Gen Y faces a volatile job market that will require various lateral moves, constant self-upgrading, and geographical mobility to stay on top of the game.  Sooner or later, most people will find themselves obsoletized.  We all know this, but Gen Y'ers are going to have a harder time dealing with it.  The advantage of ten years gave my husband a stable career, and even then, we are never entirely certain of what the future will hold.  It is going to require a lot more creativity on the part of the the new workforce.

Sara Groves' song "obsolete" bridges the generations, who may have different comfort or familiarity levels with the current technological/social media network situation, which she wisely dubs "invisible emppires," but who all have to wonder if they're able to keep up and remain relevant.  I've posted a live performance below, which is beautiful.  A few of my favorite lines and then you can just watch it:

It's hard to feel disqualified
For living in a different time
As if the train will only stop
For the current paradigm


Sara Groves performing Obsolete in Indy. Hosted by Onyx Ministry from Onyx Ministry on Vimeo.

Beyond Belief

I don't know why, but when I woke up with one of my kids at 2:00 this morning, this song came to mind.  After watching the video, I'm so glad it did.



Watching the video, I remembered that my 2 AM thought was of the line, "waters never part until our feet get wet" (whoa-oa-oa).

I know this song by heart because my junior high/high school youth choir sang through the Beyond Belief songbook.  It was a four-part harmony with an accompaniment track that sounded pretty much like the original recording.  It was totally awesome.

What is even more fun is that as I was watching the video, it not only sounded, but looked familiar.  That bewildered young man is getting lost and running out of gas along roads that I drove to youth camp or other getaways while growing up in Arizona.  I was pretty sure it was Arizona, though willing to admit it could be Utah, Nevada, California, or New Mexico, until John Schlitt set the young man straight by pointing around at the map of Arizona.

Petra is awesome, and so is this video.  Oh, hey - Petra means rock, so it just occurred to me that there is a visual pun in the setting.  I just thought it was a way of evoking a "higher place...where we reach the next plateau." Anyway, I love all the cactii, and I love the parts where the guys are standing at different levels on those rocks, which make a very cool stage set.  There is a refreshing lack of fog machines, strobe lighting, and heck, even electricity, in this video.  Does make you wonder where the electric guitar and keys are getting their power, but no worries.  Petra is awesome.

There are several Petra songs that have stuck with me my entire life, and this is one of them.  The lyrics wouldn't have lept into my mind at 2AM otherwise.  Speaking of leaps:

Leap of faith without a net
Makes us want to hedge our bet
Waters never part 
Until our feet get wet.


That is such good writing!  Notice the allusion to Joshua 3, when the Jordan river began to back up as soon as the priests' feet touched the water.  You wouldn't need to know that for this to be cool, but still.  The song opens with an allusion to the mount of transfiguration, when Peter sees Christ glorified and wants to build a few tents and dwell there.  Awesome.

I must say that even the plot line of the video encouraged me.  Kid gets a flat, someone helps him.  Kid runs out of gas and can't pay, someone covers it.  Kid gets pulled over (for speeding?), is let off with a warning.  Kid gets lost, is redirected by John Schlitt.  It's like the band takes the place of the Holy Spirit, or of angels. (hey, a band of angels).  I don't really know why I woke up at 2 AM and this song came to mind, but it is encouraging to be reminded that

There's a deeper place to go
Where the road seems hard to hoe
He who has begun this work 
won't let it go.
(Let it go)


Awesome.  More power to ya'!

Of its work I do sing

I have the privilege of being a student in a weekly interdenominational Bible study of women in my area.  Right now we are working our way through 1 Corinthians, and coming across the passages where Paul chides the Corinthian believers for their party spirit.  "One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another, 'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.' Is Christ divided?" (1:12-13a). In this passage, and others like it, Paul turns immediately to the cross as the object and subject of his teaching: "We preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God" (1:23-24).  Our interdenominational group is a blessing and a joy precisely because the leadership are united in looking to the cross.

I also have the privilege of leading worship from time to time, and I was listening through the set list for our church's upcoming Women's Retreat.  My friend Misty and her husband Dave have put together a delightfully cross-centered set.  There are a hundred reasons to sing about the cross.  Unity is, I think, not the chief of them; it is a by-product of the supremacy of Christ and the centricity of the cross in the Christian life, which are the more legitimate reasons.  Still, unity is a precious peaceable fruit.

I really wanted to share here a video of a cross-centered song I'd had on my mind; "Sweetly Broken," by Jeremy Riddle (but I cannot find a licensed version) .  I love the lyric, "To the cross I look, and to the cross I cling/ Of its suffering I do drink/ Of its work I do sing."  I can never sing too much of the cross and am grateful for singers and musicians who find fresh ways of drawing my heart gently to its knees through song.

Dickinson's days

I've been doing a little background research for an idea I had for writing a different kind of hymn; one that used the meter of the hymn in order to throw into relief an atheistic or agnostic message. I was thinking about Emily Dickinson, because I remember learning in my undergrad days that Dickinson often used hymn meter for her poetry. Case in point, "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" is written in common meter, as is "Amazing Grace," by John Newton.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

 vs.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

 A lot of scholars have put a lot of thought into why she did this. Was it because so much exposure to hymns predisposed her to a particular cadence? Was she fond of hymns? Did she like the challenge? It was certainly a limitation that she chose for her own purposes. I guess scholars are not settled on the question, and I have enough respect for literary studies not to impose a hasty answer. For me, though, hearing Dickinson's poems set to hymn tunes makes it readily apparent how very different her message was from that of the hymns. Consider the last two stanzas of both "Because I could not stop" and "Amazing Grace." I'm also including the penultimate stanza of Dickinson's poem for context.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

 vs.

 When we've been there ten thousand years
 Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

It is not clear what happens in Dickinson's eternity, but Newton's is clearly a choir party. Note the emphasis on the length of days, too. It really brings out the contrast. Well, that is enough for now; I'll post a few more times on this subject, I think.

Every good and perfect gift

I am now the proud owner of a bread machine. I shall make bread with it. Oh, the bread! I will probably be sharing pictures. I only specifically asked for three things for Christmas, and really didn't think I'd get the third. I did get 2/3. The other thing I got was a nice pair of jeans. I may need to exchange them, but they are indeed nice jeans, so I officially got what I wanted. I was thinking this morning about James 1:17: "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows"(NASB). So much thought and preparation goes into a good gift. I would like to become more like the Father in the year 2012 in that I am more prepared to give good gifts, whatever they might look or feel like. This is only possible if I believe and receive the blessings God wants to give me. I've been thinking about the Sara Groves song "Open My Hands," which you can listen to here: Open My Hands This song is in a way a cheerful companion to "Like a Lake," a song from a previous album about the struggle to keep one's heart open after a grievance. "Everything in me is tightening," says the latter song, "curling in around this ache/ I will lay my heart wide open / Like the surface of a lake." "I believe," begins "Open My Hands." That is the key to staying open. I believe in a blessing I don't understand I've seen rain fall on wicked and the just Rain is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us. If I'm going to stay broken and open, I have to believe that He isn't going to withhold from me. Even if at times I feel need, which is something the rest of the song addresses. Even if I feel like I'm the last one on everyone else's Christmas list, and I end up with re-gifted socks. On a lighter note, while the kids are sleeping, I am baking Jesus' birthday cake. This is helping Kyrstin understand what Christmas is about. I am pondering now how to do the candles. I'm sure an idea will present itself.