Happiness is... this picture

 

Happiness is...

I think I'll start a "happiness" is category, where I just post some of my favorite things. Yesterday I was cruising the Internet looking for the perfect dessert to make for Thanksgiving. I really enjoyed it at first, but after about thirty minutes, I felt a bit queasy. I have an aversion to words like "moist" and "morsel," and a lot of the food pictures were the equivalent. I think I'm going to make a recipe my cousin sent me. No pictures; just a recipe that sounded good. She described it as "all fall," "not elegant," and something the kids would like. That's kind of neither here nor there - my point here is that I ended up making a crock pot bread in the afternoon with some pumpkin puree my husband made. Happiness is making bread in a crockpot, having it for dessert with family at dinner and then having it for bressert next morning.

No Good Thing

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes" to all that You have for me

. - Sara Groves, "Open My Hands," from the 2011 album, Invisible Empires

I was reading on PW's blog today that if you're going to blog, you should do is as often as possible, as much as possible, even if it's just a paragraph.

Thanksgiving is on Thursday, and prompts me to write a possibly very short post, just to say that I feel I have so much to be thankful for.

Sometimes I get scared that it won't all work out. I fret over details and schedules a lot. Even when things go well, I'm afraid they'll go too well and I won't be able to keep up/meet expectations.

This song reminded me the other day that those times that a lot seems to be going on, it may that God is just trying to bless. Perhaps when I open my hands to receive it, I let go of a bunch of other cares that don't matter.

A bit slapdash, but some thoughts:

I was thinking this morning about wisdom. "Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding," Solomon instructs his son (Proverbs 4:7). The importance of value and wisdom is clearly seen in this verse and throughout the Bible book of Proverbs. The benefits are listed as well: she will be a garland to grace your neck, etc. In James 1 believers are told that if they lack wisdom, they should ask God for it, and he will freely give it.

I was thinking of a parallel passage in Colossians 3, which is a chapter talks about holy living, about truthfulness and goodness in relationships, and about unity through this goodness. The author instructs the believers to "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God." I am asking questions of the text, i.e., what does it mean to let the word of Christ dwell in you richly? What is the connection between teaching, admonishing, and singing? I think there is a connection between wisdom and the songs we sing. I'd like to trace that out.

Worthy Words: Making Each One Count

Milton begins Paradise Lost with an invocation, asking the heavenly muse to sing, through him, to describe the fall of mankind, and "justify the ways of God to men."

And chiefly thou O Spirit, that doest prefer
Before all temples the upright heart and pure,
Instruct me, for thou know'st; thou from the first
Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread
Dove-like sat'st brooding on the vast abyss
And mad'st it pregnant: what in me is dark
Illumine, what is low raise and support;
That to the height of this great argument
I may assert eternal providence,
And justify the ways of God to men.


Milton makes it clear here he is talking about the Holy Spirit of God - God Himself. The imagery is striking - a dove-like spirit who sits on a nest of darkness, giving birth to creation. That the Holy Spirit descended on Christ like a dove at his baptism was known, but this is a fresh and surprising take, and connotes creation and annointing at the same time. Milton feels he has a serious task and needs substantial help to complete it.

What an inspiration Milton is, and moreover, the footnotes to Paradise Lost. There is a richness and knowledge there that rewards and delights a careful reader. Every word is chosen for the multiple levels of meaning, for the sound is produces, the tone it creates, and the number of syllables and accents of the word.

In PL, Milton makes the argument that God was just and generous in sentencing sinful man and angels. In a much tighter structure, the author of "Before the Throne of God Above" describes the role of Christ as intercessor between man and God, especially in defense against the accuser who has been after Adam since Paradise.

This hymn is even better than I ever realized, in fact, it's just about perfect. I know this because I observe its excellencies, and when I try to think of a single improvement that could be made, I can't! I will point out a few things here that are technical and lend to the overall greatness of this hymn.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

First of all, the message is perfectly clear. Second, it is memorable. In the first four lines, the P sound is allierated four times. In lines 5-7, note the repetition of sounds in the words "graven," "written," and "while in." In the same lines, the H sound is alliterated 6 times. The last line is a concise eight syllables, whereas a roundabout way would be to say that "There is nothing anyone can say that would make me have to leave heaven," which is 18 syllables. Similar structures of repetition and conciseness are repeated in the other stanzas. This is a hymn that helps people guard their minds and hearts against Satan's attacks. It is worth putting the effort into good writing for such a purpose.

"Still, My Soul Be Still" is a modern hymn by Keith and Kristyn Getty and Stuart Townend that urges the soul to take comfort in God's abiding presence.

Still my soul be still
And do not fear
Though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread
The fires of unexpected sorrow

God You are my God
And I will trust in You and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew
A steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone


I love the meter of this song. The number of syllables per line in the first verse are 5, 4, 9, 5, 4, 9, as though the first two short statements add up to the third, and so on. I also love the allusions to scripture that capture a large amount of meaning in just a few words. "The fires of unexpected sorrow" is a great line and I am not sure what to say about it. "Lord of peace renew/ a steadfast spirit within me/ to rest in You alone" is a very interesting lyrics. We know him to be the Prince of Peace. We know the Psalmist's cry in Psalm 51 to have a right spirit renewed. What is new here is the plea for renewal to trust. It's beautiful.

"Less Like Scars" by Sara Groves is a similarly introspective song.

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember


In the word "rubble," Groves communicates a great deal of information. Her world is in ruins - it has been destroyed or is in decay. She is like a natural disaster victim. The rhyme of "subtle" and "rubble" is nice. I've never heard it before. Nothing wrong with "love" and "above," but something new gets my attention; makes me listen. Ultimately this song is about something quite hard to describe, but she does it by negative and positive descriptions. Not so much this, but that. In later verses, she says "less like a prison, more like my room/ less like a casket, more like a womb." She makes each word count by choosing words that convey a great deal of information.

Chris Rice uses the metaphor of choice words to describe the potential value of each new day in "Life Means So Much" (this is one of my favorite pop songs ever).

Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do and believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching


He uses a journal filling with pages as a metaphor for life. Curse vs. blessing reminds me that I can be intentional about how I harm or help. Rhyming verse vs. random sketching is a potent way of describing the difference between a well-lived or haphazard lifestyle. Note the alliteration in "compose a curse" and "bring a blessing." Also, metrically, note how "or some random sketching" seems to be lacking a few syllables to fit the line. This could be coincidental, but in my opinion it serves the meaning of the lyric well because it seems lacking in execution. The chorus is simple, asking God to help us making the days count, just as a good writer makes his words count.

Reliant K is a band I could go on and on about. If I could choose only one word to describe their lyrics, "clever" is what I would choose. Unlike the other songs I've mentioned here so far, you have to listen hard to catch what they're saying because it all goes by so fast, as in the bridge and chorus of "Be My Escape."

And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house
All the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because

I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.


There is a lot going on here, literarily. I particularly like the uses of "house" and "death/dying." There is a poetry term for what they're doing - using the same word with different meanings (Shakespeare did it all the time) - but I can't remember what it is. I think it does a good job telling the listener that harboring doubt and insecurity can be its own prison, and that sometimes a certain kind of death is required for freedom.

I'll end with Switchfoot's "Let Your Love Be Strong," which I find achingly beautiful and evocative.

As the dead moon rises, and the freeways sigh
Let the trains watch over the tides and the mist
Spinning circles in our skies tonight
Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles
Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

Let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin
Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart
Train the monkeys on my back to fight
Let it start tonight
When my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground
Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your skies
All of that I am hanging on
All of my world resting on your love


I've done a little editing here - the first verse and chorus are missing. In the first quoted stanza, I imagine the author sitting on a park somewhere just outside of L.A., feeling very fatigued and projecting this feeling onto the world around him - the moon becomes the "dead moon," the freeways "sigh," and the stars are tired. I'll never ever get over the rhyming of "Los Angeles" with "unanimous." One of my favorite word choices. Ever. This stanza reminds me of Wordsworth's "Daffodils," about the weight of all this weary, unintelligible world. Tired as he is of the tired world, the author says God's strong love is enough for him. The second stanza I've quoted is underscored by snare drums to emphasize the war theme. If the weary world should be torn apart, with him in it, God's love is enough. I also love the balance of heavy themes with the somewhat lighthearted resignation expressed by, "I don't care what goes down." It's slang, but it also works into the lyric, as he has mentioned stars falling around him. It has two meanings, so again, it's a phrase that really counts.

I hope all of these musings over my favorite songs help to illustrate what some worthy word choices look like, over a range of styles and centuries.

Signs and Wonders

My daughter and I were enjoying spring weather in the back yard yesterday, and I noticed a bird anxiously guarding a perimeter around this birdhouse on our porch. I think she is nesting. It reminded me of a song I'd written after a similar encounter three years ago, when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in awe of the sensations I was feeling, combined with what I was reading about her development, and the images I'd seen on the ultrasound screens. Every day was something amazing. Three years later, on another spring day, you could say that we were an ordinary mom and an ordinary little girl playing in an ordinary back yard. And yet, she has her own unique personality, sense of humor, favorite foods, and her own voice with songs of her own to sing. Every day is a revelation of something new she has learned or can do. Her most recent contribution to the world was the creation of the word "marshmunnies," which is what she calls the bunny-shaped marshmallows I put in her Easter eggs. I revised the song I started three years ago to include both bookends. Here are the lyrics.

Outside the door
I watch a bird feather her nest
I'm glad for her
And hope for the nest.
I see the buds
Where the blossoms are soon to be
These are the signs
And wonders of Spring.

All the world's waiting for something new
Now that April showers have come and gone
I want you to know, we've been waiting, too,
For our special someone to come along

And it's changing me
Making me see life in a whole new way
I wake up wondering
What new secrets will you tell today?
Life is full, these days,
Of signs and wonders.

I can't keep
These secrets all to myself
That heartbeat
Is a story to tell.
I'm singing
Because from so early on, I knew
There'd never
Be anyone quite like you.

All the world's waiting for something new
Now that April showers have come and gone
I want you to know we've been watching you
The little star our twinkle has now become

And it's changing me
Making me see life in a whole new way
I wake up wondering
What new secrets will you reveal today?
Life is full, these days,
of signs and wonders.


Each of our lives are ordinary, but I have learned that it is ordinary to be full of wonder and possessed of extraordinary potential. It is normal to have a unique destiny. Life means so much.

"'No eyes has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him.'" 1 Corinthians 2:9

Words of Wonder

Our songwriting group is going to discuss an article by Bob Kauflin, which is actually a chapter from a book, which is, in turn, sort of "proceedings" from a conference. The title of the chaper is: "Words of Wonder: What Happens When We Sing?" and the book is The Power of Words and the Wonder of God, eds. Justin Taylor and John Piper.

Kauflin immediately makes his claim about the importance of music to the church, and specifically, the importance of singing. His lengthy quote of Luther bears repetition, because it sets the tone for the whole essay:

When man's natural ability is whetted and polished to the extent that it becomes an art, then do we note with great surprise the great and perfect wisdom of God in music, which is, after all, His product and His gift; we marvel when we hear music in which one voice sings a simple melody, while three, four, or five other voices play and trip lustily around the voice that sings its simple melody and adorn this simple melody wonderfully with artistic musical effects, thus reminding us of a heavenly dance where all meet in a spirit of friendliness, caress, and embrace...A person who gives this some thought and yet does not regard it [music] as a marvelous creation of God, must be a clodhopper indeed and does not deserve to be called a human being; he should be permitted to hear nothing but the braying of asses and the grunting of dogs.


Kauflin notes: "We may not want to imitatate Luther's attitude, but we do want to imitate his passion for singing - because God himself is passionate about singing." He then goes on to provide proof texts, such as Ephesians 5:19 (part of being filled with the Spirit is singing certain songs), Zephaniah 3:17 (God sings), and Hebrews 2:12 and Psalm 22:22 (Christ "sings," although figuratively).

He then delves into the most important subject of his text, which is the importance of words to singing. He divides Christian attitudes into three categories:
1) Those who think music supercedes the Word - that it is more moving and more important.
2) Those who think music undermines the Word, and would separate them entirely.
3) Those who think music should serve the Word, and he is in this camp. And so am I.

He observes several ways music can serve the Word. First, it can help us remember words. This is very important, because memory is important. What we remember is what we really live by, regardless of what we may "know." I think of songs as ways of speeding up access to memory, like increasing RAM speed (surely in five years this will be an obsolete metaphor).

To make words memorable, Kauflin urges us to "use effective melodies." His example is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," which he describes is "a well-crafted lyric set to a memorable, singable, and pleasing tune"(125), and with this I would agree. Sometimes the melody of a hymn can be updated for a new generation, and Kauflin notes this is a good thing, preserving the lyrics for that generation.

Since we remember what we sing, Kauflin urges us to "sing words that God wants us to remember." He quotes Gordon Fee, "'Show me a church's songs and I'll show you their theology'" (126). A thought-provoking question is, what does my church's music say about my theology? A surprising point he makes is that we ought to memorize songs.

To further his argument about the benefits of songs for the church, Kauflin posits that "singing can help us engage emotionally with words." Kauflin describes two ways this works: songs allow us to take more time to reflect on the meaning of words, by adding a celebratory, mournful, or reverent melody music can augment the sentiment of the words we're singing. He makes the familiar point that music alone cannot make a propositional claim; only words are capable.

He then goes on to defend why it is important that songs do affect us emotionally. This was one of the most interesting parts of the paper to me. Kauflin wrote, "The emotions that singing is meant to evoke are responses to the truths we're singing about God - his glory, his greatness, and his goodness. Vibrant singing enables us to connect truth about God seamlessly, with passion, so that we can combine doctrine and devotion, edification and expression, mind and heart"(130). I like this kind of thinking.

The last benefit of singing he addresses is that it "can help us use words to demonstrate and express our unity." Very simply, "[s]inging enables us to spend extended periods of time communicating the same thoughts, the same passions, and the same intentions" (131). In singing corporately, we unite as a corpus - a body. Toward this end, Kauflin advises that we "sing songs that unite rather than divide the church" (131), recognize the functional limits of creativity for church music (132), remember that we are united by the gospel, not music (132) and anticipate singing in heaven (134).

The last point is thought-provoking from a writer's perspective. If I were a strict Reformed theologian, which I'm not, I would believe that the finest works of earth will find their place in God's kingdom. Like I said, I'm not Reformed - as far as I've looked into it I can't quite swallow it all - but I am intrigued by this idea. It has often made me wonder if there are any songs I know today that will make it into heaven's repertoire.

Easter

It has been a good day of thinking about the cross. My husband and I were listening to the Sovereign Grace Pandora channel today, and noticing how many songs we really love seem appropriate for Easter. That, I suppose, is because Easter celebrates one of the central elements of Christianity.

Among a few we really like:
"To the Cross," Paul Baloche
"Wonderful Maker," Chris Tomlin
"Hosanna," Brooke Fraser
"Before the Throne of God Above," Keith and Kristyn Getty
"Glorious Day," Casting Crowns and others

Cross-centered music for a cross-centered life.

This afternoon I was getting frustrated with my kids, as we are all stuck inside due to the rain, and we don't want to get out and impose on any businesses to be open on this day. Sometimes my homely life just plods along, and I confess there are choices I could make to make it more glorious. I could slip into despair by how quickly I fall back into old habits, my selfish, easily-angered, self comes out. I need to hear the gospel at home, not just at church, because I can look pretty good at church. It's at home that I cannot hide from myself, and such moments help me appreciate the profound love of God to save me, knowing my weakness, my failures.

Choir sang this this morning. It was new to me. I like it.



He is risen!

Love is Still a Worthy Cause

It is Good Friday. We had tuna casserole for dinner. Some denominations participate in a tradition to fast from red meat on Fridays during Lent, so I think there will be a lot of other people having fish tonight, as well. I do believe in the benefit of nutritional fasting, but I have been thinking about fasting in another way for the past week or so. I've been studying Isaiah 58, in which God describes a fast that would truly please him.

"Is this not the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." (vv. 6-8)

I have thought a lot about the oppressed, yoked, hungry, and poor. I believe the greatest and most concerning needs are spiritual. I actually think that the passage in Isaiah was speaking of a physical reality that translates into a spiritual reality this side of the cross. Nevertheless, being with God means making certain choices and honoring certain attributes of God that make a physical, tangible difference in this world. I have studied nineteenth century Christian abolitionists - particularly of the female, American, literary stripe - and admired them greatly for their conviction and commitment to putting an end to one form of human misery because they believed in the value of life.

Sara Groves' album Tell Me What You Know was an encouragement to just jump in. Sara is an artist partner with involved in International Justice Mission's efforts to put an end to human trafficking - modern-day slavery. I heard "Love is Still a Worthy Cause" as a word to those who come lately to such work.

Have you listed all the times you've tried
Do you call on all your alibis
When somebody asks the question why are you hiding

did you feel the pull, did you hear the call
did you take a chance and lose it all
do you fear there's no collateral left for trying

(I know this is rhetorical, but I have to answer. Yes.)

Friend, I know your heart is raw
But love is still a worthy cause
Picking up and pressing on
Oh, love is still a worthy cause
Like the touch that starts the thaw
Oh, love is still a worthy cause
or the word that breaks the pause


Love. It does require that I give of my time and resources that I would otherwise spend on myself. And Isaiah 58 says that when I spend, the Lord will satisfy (v. 11); when I fast from my own pleasure, He will provide the feast (v. 14).

I honestly do not have much to fast from these days. About the only thing I can think to give up is TV time, which is a few hour per week. But that is time to write this blog, and work on a few songs. That is something. I am hopeful that thinking of my life as a fast, in this sense, will direct my steps in more purposeful, intentional, resolute ways. I have noticed my pace quicken and my face brighten since I have begun to evaluate my life in these fat-free terms. In this sense, I have already begun to feast.

Song for Stefan

This past week, my little one turned one year old.

He is doing well, and lately has become a bit more snuggly, which I love, although he mostly addles up to me for a quick squeeze and then wiggles away.

Life definitely gets easier when a child turns one. I remember this same phenomenon with my daughter, Kyrstin, who is just 16 months older than Stefan. It was like magic. Today we all played out in the yard, crawling, toddling, laying down, blowing bubbles. Perhaps that is bliss.

Now that the kids are just a little older, my mind has a bit of breathing room, and I am looking beyond the moment or the hour. For instance, yesterday I actually planned not only what we would have for dinner each day, I also planned what we would have for lunch. This is easier now in part because Stefan can eat most of the same foods the rest of us eat. There was a time when I was making two or three different meals per meal - one for the baby, one for the toddler, one for me. I don't mean to complain, but just to show how there for awhile, life was a blessed mess.

Now that I see more personality in Stefan and more character in Kyrstin, I am naturally thinking more about how they'll grow up and the kind of world they will encounter. Honestly, sometimes I get so broken- and down-hearted. I love our little bubble world, but I know it will soon break. I have to pause as I write when I think of how the world can break their hearts, because I can hardly bear the thought. I cannot control it all. When I think about the future, there is only one place I can put my hope, and it is a great hope.

Sara Groves' song "Song for My Sons" puts it well:

I can't say your life will always go like it should
But I can say that God is always good.

Well, time is short, and child #1 is climbing on me as I write these few lines. The cartoon episode only bought me enough time to write this much.

Speaking of buying, I plan to write tomorrow about spending and satisfaction, and more on Sara Groves' Tell Me What You Know album.

Born to Worship

I just downloaded the Hidden in My Heart scripture lullabies album, which sounds pretty good, although I've not listened in full. A cursory Internet search revealed there are a lot of options for parents who want music they can enjoy with their kids. If music can get to the heart of an adult, help us memorize, meditate, reflect, and praise the Lord, why not make that avenue available for children, as well?

I like the Praise Baby stuff because the songs are chosen and produced well. Also, the songs are those of my generation, and I enjoy sharing those with my kids, especially remembering where I was and what God was teaching me when I first heard that song. Case in point: "Amazing Love." I was at a Passion Conference, learning what it meant to praise the Lord, to have a passion for Him that fueled my life, rather than a passion for activity. I was singing that song with thousands of other college kids, part of the 26:8 generation. I want my kids to be part of that - a generation that seeks His face, because He is worth it, and they will find all they need in Him.

At the same time, they are their own generation, and need their own songs. For now, they can borrow ours, and we can write them new ones.

It strikes me that the songs my kids will love and claim as their own will likely have some kind of viral presence before they are sung at a big conference, or published. The networks of communication will be different. And/or, maybe they will be multilingual/multiethnic. At the same time, as much as music has changed over the past several hundred years, I still claim hymns as my own as well. I love the Passion Hymns: Ancient and Modern album; it's a perfect expression of the connection. I hope my kids sing the old hymns - the good ones (not all) - and learn some of their own.

I shared a hymn with our songwriters' group that I thought was perhaps suited for a children's hymn, because it has a tone of gentle trust and surrender that is childlike and sweet. It is my first foray into children's music. Perhaps I'll return to this territory more as my kids get a little older.

Hymn

Let my life tell a fragrant story to the hearers I walk among
Of the knowledge of the holy; all my resource and wisdom.
Though I cannot convey by the senses all the truth you have revealed
Let my life testify like incense of a treasure within concealed.

Let my words be seasoned with blessings, giving grace to all who hear.
Gentleness in my tone be confessing the sweet truth that You are near.
Let my work be as unto You, Lord: faithful, cheerful, complete, and fair,
So that in whatever I do, your sweet aroma spreads everywhere.

Let the Holy Spirit earnest be the confidence of my hope
The result of redemptive purpose be diffused so that all may know
There is peace that surpasses conception. There is freedom; a soul finds space.
Let my life be a living expression of this story in every place.

Let the ones who beset me with trouble, and the ones who use me ill
See, however they strike me to stumble, God’s right hand upholds me still.
As you modeled supreme absolution, taking sin unto yourself,
Let me trust you for resolution – You are ending all things well.

In Betweens

I don't mind flying but I become a crazy person in airports. It's the waiting, and especially the delays. My son and I made it home from our holiday trip just fine, and now it is January 5, Wednesday. It is not the holidays anymore. The plans I thought I had in place to give me a fresh start when I got home have not settled the way I expected them to. Will this delay drive me crazy, too? It almost did. I confess to 36-or-so hours of denying God's grace to me. He was gentle and comforting, but I was kind of throwing a fit. I begged him to speak to me, and He got me listening to "Petition" from the McCracken album. It brought comfort.

Father what e'er of earthly bliss
Thy sovereign will denies
Accepted at Thy throne of grace
Let this petition rise.

Let the sweet hope that Thou art mine
My life and death attend
Thy presence through my journey shine
And crown my journey's end.

Give me calm, a thankful heart
From every murmur free.
The blessing of Thy grace impart
And make me live to Thee.

Christmas Update

this is the Christ, our God and Lord
who in all need shall aid afford
he will himself our savior be
and from our sins will set us free - "This is the Christ"

As I prepared our Christmas newsletter this year I realized that putting it online was going to give us more flexibility. I hope you enjoy this format! The quotes are from Sandra McCracken’s album In Feast or Fallow, and they provide a soundtrack, if you will, for the year. First, here is the latest on each of us.

Scott - took a new position with the Department of Corrections in March. He has the same title, but different responsibilities at a different facility. His position is part of a grant-funded program, a program which he has worked diligently to implement. He continues to work one weekend a month as a therapist for a children's crisis center. At church he plays bass in the praise team and also helps out in an intellectually challenging discipleship program.

Kim - I stay at home with Kyrstin and Stefan. I am officially in the dissertation stage of my Ph.D. in English, and have a part-time job as an editor which I complete from home. A highlight of my year this year was getting a smartphone. It kind of changes everything!

Kyrstin - She continues to be our sunshine. She began taking only one nap in February, and shortly thereafter contracted RSV which led to pneumonia, but made a full recovery. Our little trooper! In March she started walking, and then adjusted easily to having a brother in April. Kyrstin’s favorite activities include playing in the back yard, reading books, cuddling and wrestling with her parents, dancing, and watching Blue’s Clues. Her favorite things seem to be dogs, cars, and balls. She also likes talking on the phone – and just about anything can be a phone. Whether she is being naughty or nice, she is almost always smiling and irresistibly cute. When we named her Kyrstin Melody we hoped that she would become a singer or musician of some kind. Starting this summer, we began to hear her sing in her high chair, at the piano, and while walking around. Also, we have enjoyed her language development this year. She “talks” all the time and can communicate many things to us. Next stop, potty training!

Most of the rest of this update is about Stefan.

I was made in a hidden place;
There from your love I could not escape if I tried.
In wonder and in a trembling state we wait to meet this child.
I cannot see with human eyes the secret plans you have devised
My heart is full as I contemplate the frailty and the fullness
Oh, I marvel at your goodness to me. - "Hidden Place"

The early part of this year was an in-between season for us. We'd come from a season that was academically busy for me, which meant we all were working hard to raise Kyrstin and keep the house in order, and Scott was getting for a job transition. During this time of waiting, God used scripture to assure us that he saw Stefan and had already planned all of his days (Psalm 139:13-16). We settled on his middle name - Matthew - moments after his birth on April 14. It is Scott's middle name, and means "gift from God." We enjoyed visits from family after the birth.

In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found.
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure. - "In Feast or Fallow"

On August 18th, over an elegant meal, we celebrated ten years of marriage by discussing highs and lows. God had definitely been with us in the land of our sojourning.

Then, on September 5th, Stefan was hospitalized for three days after having a series of seizures. The weeks and months after that were the hardest of our lives, individually and as a family. For three weeks we were in and out of medical offices, watching Stefan suffer multiple seizures per day, until the proper medication took effect and the seizures stopped. Stefan's neurologist believes that there is a minor dysplasia in the right hemisphere of Stefan's brain which was bound to lead to seizures at some point. The words of Psalm 139 came back to us, and we knew God was with us and for Stefan.

God touched us with human hands during that time, as well. Friends and family volunteered to watch and play with Kyrstin, do housework, and make meals. This was vital when Stefan needed our focused attention. We will never forget that kindness or underestimate what a benefit it provides others. In late September, a friend told us about this album. We listened to this track as a family, and then Scott, Kyrstin and I danced to it, and we endured.

Father for Thy promised blessing still we plead before Thy throne
For the times of sweet refreshing, which can come from Thee alone.
Blessed earnests Thou hast given, but in these we would not rest
Blessings still with Thee are hidden; pour them forth, and make us blessed. - "Give Reviving"

Stefan's personality came back to him, bit by bit. He once again became a smiley boy who likes to "talk." The seizures have stayed away, and our visits to the neurologist have become less frequent because less necessary. Mid-November was a turning poin, and we were ready to have fun again. We hit the road to enjoy a mini-vacation and kick off the holiday season. We have had all kinds of holiday fun, and celebrated Kyrstin's second birthday. It has been a season of refreshing, for sure. Stefan has established a daytime eat/wake/nap routine. It's as though he had to learn to nap again, which gives us hope that he'll learn to sleep through the night again, and we'll be completely refreshed.

Fill your cup at the mouth of the spring,
New wonders we will sing,
As the Spirit blows the embers of our hearts. - "New Wonders"

We don’t know what will be next for us or for you, but we pray that the New Year finds us experiencing God’s mercies anew, singing a new song.

With love,
Scott, Kim, Kyrstin and Stefan

A World Vision

No song today, just thoughts...

Was leafing through this month's World Vision magazine, which featured a story on cihldren's artwork and its ability to restore imagination and provide a means of hope. I believe that is wondrously true - being able to imagine beauty is freeing.

You know what, I can't help bringing up a song here - two songs:

1) Sara Groves' "Why It Matters," which is about human-created beauty, "and its protest of the darkness and this chaos all around," and

2) A song I'm working on: here are some lyrics (a work in progress)

There is a story told throughout the world
There is a purpose; there is growth and design
There is a harmony and poetry of motion
When a flower drinks the rain and hails the sky...

He wouldn't waste beauty
If ashes were enough for us
To know Him completely
And believe in His love...

That's all for the songs. It's all connected. I was reading Psalm 8 in The Message this morning, and my imagination was captured by God's artistry.

Nursing infants gurgle choruses about you;
Toddlers shout the songs
That drown out enemy talk,
and silence atheist babble.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods,
bright with Eden's dawn light.
You put us in charge of your handcrafted world,
repeated to us your Genesis-charge,
Made us lods of sheep and cattle,
even animals out in the wild,
Birds flying and fish swimming,
whales singing in the ocean deeps.

God, brilliant Lord,
your name echoes around the world.

I love the old English inflections Peterson adds to the poetry here - the compound nouns like "dawn light" and "Genesis-charge." Ancient-sounding, but beautiful.

I just got excited. And it's good. I know that today will be a day of taking a kid to the doctor and taking care of the other who is sick. There was lots of not-beautiful yesterday. I need the Lord to capture my imagination with His beauty this way in the morning so I will not miss it or forget it.

I hear a little one waking up at the other end of the house now. One more thought. I read this morning that an English synonym for the greek word "pistis," which is translated "faithfulness" in Galatians 5:22, is "reality." As I was thinking about moving from my morning reverie to the dailiness of life, I thought, "what is really my reality?" The word is often used to mean "dinginess." Is it possible that reality is actually much better than that?

When I'm With You

I was recently introduced to JJ Heller's Painted Red album, which led me to quickly snatch up When I'm With You, released earlier this month. The title track is a love song, but not the kind I'm used to. I immediately thought, as I listened to it, "This is how I feel about my kids." And indeed, it is a love song from JJ and her husband to their daughter, Lucy. JJ sings about how when she sees her baby smile, her heart aches, "so full it is about to break"; meanwhile, when she sees her baby cry, "it resonates... in a place I didn't know was there." My favorite lyric is the bridge:

Beautiful baby, you're sweeter than strawberry pie
Just like the morning, your smile brings the sunshine.

My baby boy's smile has meant more to me over the past few weeks than ever. About seven weeks ago, he began to have seizures. It took three weeks, four different types of medication, one hospital stay, four or five trips to the E.R., and several to the neurologist to get them under control. Once the seizures stopped and a certain drug wore off, his personality started to come through again, and it warmed our hearts.

We still don't know the cause of his seizures. We know a few more things about his brain now, but they don't really explain what started the trouble. There are more specialists to see and tests to run both where we live and out of town, if necessary. There are still neurological issues to address even though the seizures have stopped; some funny behaviors that weren't there before the seizures. Providing updates on Stefan's condition has proven a challenge. In the midst of his neurological difficulties Stefan has also experienced a great deal of teething pain, a huge growth spurt, and a case of pertussis. Such things make it difficult to put my finger on what he's going through. There have been a lot of night wakings, meaning I'm not sleeping much, and my energy has gone into other things. I got a good night's rest last night and it makes a big difference. I have appreciated all of the inquiries, well-wishes, and prayers. When you love someone so much and are concerned for them, it makes a big impact when other people care, too.

I especially have been touched by my Trinity Baptist Church family. They came to the ER when the crisis first set in, visited us in the hospital, organized and brought meals, all without us asking. The first 24 hours that Stefan was in the hospital, my husband was out of town. Magically, the church organized childcare for my toddler when I had to be away and couldn't really organize it myself. This is a church that not only strives to be faithful in doctrine, but has shown love in practical, tangible ways to our family. We are so blessed to be part of it. I very much think that any sort of present peace we exhibit in this situation comes from the sense of having a "safety net" - that the Lord will not simply let us fall. This sense has derived, in part, from the very focused acts of kindness and selflessness of our church friends. I would especially like to mention Ryan and Kara Polk here, who seemed from the beginning to take our situation to heart, even though it really is not their burden to bear, and they have many of their own.

We don't know what the long-term results will be yet and I'm not sure if/when we will. We were living minute-to-minute a few weeks ago; now we are living day-to-day. I want what is best for Stefan - for him to realize all of his God-given potential, and live life to the fullest. I love him. That is the song my heart is singing right now.

Every day the sky is a deeper shade of blue,
When I'm with you.

Seasons Change

We had an earthquake this morning. In Oklahoma! Everything was still, then the house shook for few seconds, then was gone. My house doesn't seem to have any damage; the only thing I can tell was affected at all is a metal plaque hung in my baby's room that is now slightly askew.

Not coincidentally, I'm sure, I was listening to selections from Crystal Lewis's Beauty for Ashes album, and started paying attention when "Seasons Change" came on. Not a lot of lyrics to this one, and the title is the thesis. But here are verse one and the chorus:

Are you going through a dry spell
Yes I've been there before
Where the trees are slowly withering
Where their roots cry out for more
Where the desert floor is dry and cracked
No clouds hand in the sky
No winter rain or spring it seems
No change in sight

(Chorus)
But seasons change
And then they pass
No way to know how long they'll last
I'd love to know the reason why
But God knows
Seasons change

Our family has been throug a very rough season the past five weeks or so. I am wondering if it will be just like that earthquake. Coming out of nowhere, shaking things up, and then over just as suddenly as it began. In the middle of it it doesn't seem like just a blip. It is completely consuming and the terror is undeniable. One's senses come into sharp focus, and all whole world seems intensified, with every word and event taking on significance. Perhaps during such times are very teachable.

The challenges of the past five weeks have coincided with a literal changing of seasons. It is Fall in Oklahoma, and while this has been an inexplicably jarring season, I have taken great comfort in the beauty of the blue sky, the marigold, crimson, and pumpkin colors of Fall, and the cool breezes. They are gifts from a good God, and I can thoroughly enjoy them, and Him, during this season.

I don't know how long this will last - I think the song is right that there's just no way to know. I know for sure that even if it is over tomorrow it will be just as unforgettable as today's earthquake.

A Good Story

Our family has been going through a very rough time lately due to a major health issue our baby suffers from. This morning I felt the Lord draw me to Laury Story's album for encouragement. The song that ministered to me most was, "Bless the Lord." Here's the video.



There's also a song on there called "Something Beautiful," or something like that. It just asks the Lord to make something beautiful out of her life. That ministered to me, as well. It gave me language for this time when I just don't know what to say. I want these events to turn into a good story - to know/see that it's leading out of this trouble into something refined. One way the album as a whole ministered to me was just to cast troubles in the perspective of an omnipotent - "Immortal, Invisible" God who is there. I needed to hear that.

On another note, the Lord has instructed my heart to be still during this crisis. Here is a playlist of "Be Still" songs, in case anyone needs such a thing in the future:

Be Still, My Soul, Be Still - Kari Jobe
Be Still, My Soul - Amy Grant (hymn)
Still, My Soul Be Still - Keith and Kristyn Getty
Be Still and Know - Steven Curtis Chapman
Be Still - Seeds Family Worship

Selah. :)

Seeds (again?)

I can't remember if I've written about Seeds Family Worship before, but I think I have.

In any case, their music bears repeat mention.

This morning I was doing a devotional about how my thoughts are like a "soundtrack" constantly playing in my mind, and, consequentially, the importance of my thoughts being focused on God's thoughts.

The devotional didn't specify actual music, but obviously music forms real soundtracks. I know that songs are quite often an effective way for me to have a soundtrack of God's thoughts in my mind.

All morning I've had the SFW Seeds of Praise album playing. Myself and my children have been hearing verses from the Psalms, Isaiah, Zephaniah, and Proverbs. Good stuff to meditate on.

I unreservedly and wholeheartedly would recommend the SWF series!

Broken

Driving around town today, I heard this Lifehouse song.

It's thematically similar to "Hanging By a Moment," in that it talks about holding on to God for dear life.

Unlike HBAM, "Broken" talks about hanging on to a last shred of faith, through pain, through brokenness. It's ambiguous whether the pain is circumstantial, such as a death in the family, or internal/spiritual, such as a prodigal period. Though those two conditions are not morally equivalent, they both result in the experience of affliction. In the case of sin, it is a built-in way that God corrects His people (Psalm 119:71). Sometimes difficult circumstances can lead to a period of self-alienation from God, so the affliction is caused by both internal and exteral factors. It is sometimes hard to say where it started. It is something beween the individual and God, and sometimes pastoral care is helpful to sort it out. As the songs says, "In the pain, there is healing." I think that is true of pain caused by sin or pain caused just caused by life. In either case, brokenness follows, and intimacy with God is possible again (Psalm 51:17, Psa 43:18). The song does a good job creating imagery that evokes the miserable, and yet ultimately hopeful, position of a person who finds himself far from God for whatever reason.

The song uses the word "broken" in each stanza to introduce a different idea. Broken clocks suggest the singer's suspense as he waits - for something. In verse two, broken locks convey the futility of trying to shut God out. One of my favorite lines is, "I tried my best to be guarded, but I'm an open book instead." When I try to shut out God - or even other people - I often just wear my hurt on my sleeve. Sometimes I just can't hide. And that is good, because ultimately I need those relationships. The last verse is about driving - literally (around L.A., where the guys live, perhaps) and metaphorically:

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home.

That simple but apt figure of speech really caught my attention as I was driving around today. Overall, the song gripped me because of its poetry and its resemblance to real human experience. I really appreciate that in a pop song. I started imagining ways this song could be used in church other than as a song to hear in a car, though that is very valuable. Maybe someone else will have an idea.

Way to go again, Lifehouse. :)

A World Away

My husband and I celebrated our ten-year wedding anniversary yesterday. For our wedding, we gave away compilation CD's that we compiled with jackets Scott designed.

The first few tracks were about going the distance together, trusting the providence of a gracious and faithful God. Included in this group were Andrew Peterson's "All the Way Home," and Big Tent Revival's "Two Sets of Joneses." The CD also included some of our favorite Passion praise tunes, like Agnus Dei, and "You are My King," some goofy stuff like "A Wonderful Guy" from the South Pacific soundtrack, and a few relatively unknown tracks like "Yo Tengo," by Silage ("Yo tengo un amiga whose jazz is superstereophonic..."). The last track is Third Day's "To Be With You," which is about how much God's love surpasses the most passionate promises one human can make to another. We felt at the time that that was a good way to frame our wedding. I think we're still in agreement on that ten years later. :)

Two days ago, I took some time to sit and think through the marriage, and yesterday I looked at this CD. The first track is Avalon's "A World Away," from the album *A Maze of Grace*. I still like that whole album. It's peppy, catchy, and yet still truthful. "A World Away" is even more appropo for our marriage now than it was when we first picked it. Here are the lyrics: Avalon - A World Away lyrics | LyricsMode.com

In the scheme of things, ten years isn't that long, but in the human scale, it is, and especially for our culture, we can say that we've come a long way, baby. The CD is a nice link to the past but I am glad that the songs are also a link to the future. It was fun to recognize that though a lot of things have changed, we're still doing music together, and God is still faithful.