He wasn't mean or harsh about it, just straightforward. Direct. The sharpest blades leave the smallest scars. His is the sharpest.
I was having a pity party. I woke up today knowing that I should try to be thankful for as much as I could be, and I have tried, yet still ended up feeling kind of down in the dumps.
I would like to set you up with my excuses the context.
I've been sick with a cold for six days, and so has my son. So we've sort of been stuck together. Do you remember when you were home from school for a week in fourth grade, and you'd watched so many movies and gotten so lonely you almost went crazy? Well, my son and I were both feeling that way, but were stuck together. As a fourth grader I could just let mom take care of me, and I didn't know to be thankful for that. Now, the house gets dirtier the longer I'm sick, and that makes me feel worse.
I had a list of phone calls to make, and they kept becoming more complicated than they needed to be. I aim to live in a world of ideal essence, where the exact thing I mean is perceived in the ether, and my desired answer transmitted simultaneously, static-free. It wasn't working that way. Much of this had to do with dealing with organizing health care appointments for my son. We've been given so much in the way of health care opportunities, but there is also so much to figure out. Provider A needs something from me that I need to get from Provider B. I didn't know that, so must call B, then wait awhile to reschedule with A, etc.
I started a new semester of teaching at the community college. It went well, actually. Yesterday it worked out for my husband to stay home all day, and I got LOTS done. Even when I'm sick, I can do a lot of teaching/research/writing. It's really in the care of small dependents that I find the plastic limits of my selfish skin. Again, a relatively new situation, so am trying to figure things out as I go along. It's okay; it can be a rush, but it takes a lot of energy, leaving less for said dependents.
One benefit of teaching is that I get to take a course or two for free. I considered taking one - I still am considering it - but also thought, how can I start something new if I haven't finished the degree program I started? What if I NEVER finish this degree - and it's all - all the work, the move - for nothing?
I was mulling all of this over, and in my heart, there rose the question, "Why are we out here? Why is everything so hard?" I sensed a response, "Maybe He brought you out here to deal with your bad attitude."
Yikes. Oh, yikes. Desert wanderings... forty years... quail and manna... Oh, no...
My husband took the kids to get a movie, and after I got dinner in the oven I decided to blog a bit because this is just what's going on. There is so much bitterness in my heart and on some days it is really corrosive. Just before I sat to write, I heard Matt Redman singing,"You give and take away/ My heart will choose to say/ Lord, blessed be Your name."
I know that is the right attitude. It is so much my pride that has a problem. I just added tags to this post, and of the six, "bitterness" is the only one that has appeared before. Thematic, tracing a path through this wilderness.
No comments:
Post a Comment