This is the day

Working from home always brings the dilemma of how best to multitask and balance work/life concerns. Should I wake up and immediately begin laundry, rotating loads as I evaluate student work or type lesson plans? Will doing some house cleaning help me focus as I work, or do I need to block it out and get to it later? Should I break for lunch? Since I don't have to commute, do I give myself that time, or do I try to get more done? Having an autistic child adds extra jigsaw jags to the puzzle. Will he need to be at five appointments each week? Should we bother to drive the extra hour for the weekly appointment with a specialist in a discipline, or is the net benefit the same if we go with a therapist who is closer, and give ourselves back an hour per week? How will making all of his therapy appointments affect the total amount of attention I can possibly give to my typically developing child, who needs me as much as any child? Having just moved, and having the potential, and desire, to move again, I can become either paralyzed, or anal about making decisions. All of these things were going through my head this morning. I thought, God, I need to have some fun today. Some kind of fun, so I can remember to take life lightly, and to trust. Because deep down, I know that even though all of these things are in flux, God is never less in control than when the choices seemed simple. So I sort of sheepishly determined that I should have faith that God would work it out. That is why I was so blessed to read the short devotional from *Jesus Calling* - the kids version - to my kids in the van on the way to their school this morning. It spoke right to what I had been thinking. You can waste so much time planning your day: trying to figure out what to do- and when to do it. Then, when you think you've got it all just right, something happens. Teh doorbell rings, a friend calls, you start to feel sick. Your whole plan is thrown off, so you have to start all over again. And you forget all about Me. There is a much better way. Tune in to Me. I have everything under control: My control. Instead of trying to plan everything, let Me show you what to do now and next. Then you will be free to enjoy Me and the day I have prepared for you. I was thrilled and rejoicing on the way to the kids' school this morning. As I had laid in bed this morning, I prayed that God would teach me to have faith, and build our family faith. This little word was one small step, and believing it will be a giant leap in the right direction.

I've been to the mountaintop

Literally and figuratively. For the past week the family has been on a "staycation," which was what we thought we'd most enjoy doing as a summer break. So my husband had the week off, and we saw the sights around Tucson, which are all still new to us, and then came home to rest every night. I bought paper plates and convenience foods so I wouldn't have to cook or clean as much, making it more like a get-away for me. It worked!

Today we went up Mount Lemmon, where the highest elevation sign we saw was 8000 feet. It was cooler up there; breezy, with wind in the pines. There are also boulders and blue sky, which are all generally part of Arizona high country, and constitute my favorite type of landscape. I think this has something to do with memories of summer camp. 

Coming down the mountain, my husband remarked that it would be hard for him to readjust to waking up at 5 am. I responded that it would be hard for me to get used to being by myself with the kids.

Before vacation I was pretty miserable. I was looking forward to vacation but felt bad that I felt bad going into it. I still have some anxiety. I am more rested, refreshed, and re-oriented, and I am thinking I'll treat myself to another dessert  to end the week. 

I keep thinking about a Steven Curtis Chapman song called "The Mountain."  I have meditated on the line that says, "You bring me up here on the mountain / for me to rest and learn and grow."  This vacation has been such an experience. It was over too soon, like all good things, but we are all the better for it. 

A few things that helped this week: 1) Just having my husband here with the kids and me. It was still work, but two are better than one. 2) Getting out of my neighborhood to do something fun (even though sometimes expensive) every day. 3) Reading _Desperate_ by Sarah Mae and Sally (something). This book has been a revelation and water for my soul. 4) Above-mentioned convenience foods and paper plates. 

Like a lake

I had originally meant to post about this song the other day as my first response to the devastation in Central Oklahoma. So much information was coming in that was almost impossible to assimilate, or, I feel, respond to completely. I very much trusted the Lord was near to the victims, and very quickly have seen just how eager are all of the neighbors to help their friends in need. So, some gladness has come in to replace the deep crater of grief originally carved. This song was written in reflection upon murder victims in Africa who chose to forgive their enemies. The sentiment and the imagery are very closely linked to the natural disaster suffered by so many. I have noticed, at least on Facebook, an eagerness to gladden things up, and I think this is so good and appropriate. I suppose right now the work being done is just first aid of sorts. The pain will linger and the recovery will take time. When the shock is over, and the media attention diminishes, this is when this song speaks about the way I wish healing would proceed. bring the wind and bring the thunder bring the rain till I am tried when it's over bring me stillness let my face reflect the sky and all the grace and all the wonder of a peace that I can't fake wide open like a lake

Here is what I think

Oh Oklahoma. The news of the storm there came pulsing through the Facebook feed as I was working on collecting information for a high school class reunion here. And my heart was split, and spilt out, dredged by a mighty wind of grief and guilt, hope and mirth submerged beneath the rubble piles. Who can think about this without getting tearful? Who that has lived in central Oklahoma, or has friends there, or has lived through any sort of natural disaster, could rest in the immediate aftermath? Am I the only one who is almost sick at not being able to really do anything? I tell you something awful, and it's something you've probably already thought of. As I looked at those piles of rubble, saw the impossibility of quick hope, a bit of 9/11 came back to haunt me. I had just moved to Oklahoma a few months prior to that attack. And again, the waking nightmare of knowing there were survivors trapped, time running out. Children in schools. Families in interior rooms. Then, as I was watching the live OKC news online, I saw a viewer feed where a debate raged over who caused the storm. "God did this," was followed by the mockery that Obama had done it. This while bodies were still being recovered. Mercifully, it appeared that someone had stopped the feed after awhile. I have tried to ignore this part, but I just can't. And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel like that is the heart of the issue. The Pharisees of the New Testament era are the type of frigid-hearted cultural critic who would post such hateful curses, always trying to prove how much more spiritual they were when anyone else, eager to catch someone else in a fall. Attempting to trick Jesus, Matthew 22 records, 5 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Here is what I think. I think that the same things that have made Oklahoma a place people want to live, despite the constant weather weirdness, are what will help it rise from these ashes: love for God and man. I am content in my faith that the Lord is very close to the brokenhearted, that none of the devastation is invisible to God, and that He is neither smug nor indifferent. To those who want to finger-point blame at the suffering city, I have one word: Job. This isn't really the direction I meant to go today; I hope I can post about a song tomorrow. Stay strong, Oklahoma. I love you.

Open my hands

I don't think I have time to be posting right now, but I still feel like I should. Here is the scenario: the dishes are washing a few feet away, kids are in their rooms "napping," house is dirty. But I read something this morning that I just can't get out of my head. It was about how God works through Plan B, which is sometimes agonizing and very messy. The case in point was God's deliverance of Paul and the crew of a beleaguered ship onto Malta, which was a place of healing, rest, and welcome. The deliverance came through a shipwreck. "Difficulty does not necessarily mean disaster. Heavy winds and raging seas don't always mean you're on the wrong course. It mean mean you're right on target. Believer, celebrate the fact that you may sometimes 'run aground' on the island of God's will for your life! Perhaps He couldn't get you to your destination any other way..." I've read this exact same study before, and had the same profound sense of wonder, coupled with certainty that that is an accurate interpretation. Meanwhile, I've been reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp, which is a revelation, even though I thoroughly expected it would be. She talks about how we can see God's glory through the rips and tears in the tapestry we thought we were neatly weaving. Her writing is so poignant and painful, yet awe-inducing. I have posted a picture here of my son's handiwork from preschool. He wasn't supposed to be in preschool this early, but because of some developmental delays, he is. My son's difficulties have been a source of genuine bewilderment and vexation for years. I feel badly using the word "vexation," but it's true. It's just a piece of the puzzle that has never quite fit. I've always had this idealistic turn that loved music, art, beauty, and all things inspiring and transcendent. So imagine this type of mama trying to deal with the pain of everyday life and the way the practical things just don't seem to work out, let alone finding time for creativity and beauty-making. It's been very vexing. We thought we were headed one place, and ended up in another. Figuratively, and literally. I've been reminded so many times lately that THIS is where I'm meant to be. The reminders are helpful, because I've struggled to find purpose. I think I've posted on Sara Groves' song "Open My Hands" before, but now I feel like I finally get it. Perhaps Voskamp's perspective is the key. One can believe in all of these abilities of God, and His Providence, and yet, not find it, and yet, still rejoice in what one does find. I'm starting to believe. Oh Lord, please help me keep my hands open.

A reason to sing

I just savored a piece of chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting that my husband and daughter made for me for Mother's Day. It was a nice moment; real and peaceful. Sometimes I have those moments. However, I think I got the impression from Dove chocolate commercials that I should be having a lot more of them. It's been a weirdly difficult season. There have been highlights, but overall, it's just been a surprising drag, and my soul has been a bit parched. I am not here to testify that it is springtime in my soul again, and life is far from a series of Dove moments. But I do have an anchor for my soul, and in the storms, I've dug deep again and found it still holds. I feel the Holy Spirit urging me during this season to just hold on. A few weeks ago I felt the need to come before the Lord and bare my heart. And yet, when He asked me what was on my heart, I couldn't answer. I was just that numb. Around this time I listened to the All Songs and Daughters album Season One and a couple of songs stood out. One is called "A Reason to Sing." As this blog attests, music and lyrics satisfy my soul, and this one really described my relationship to my circumstances. when the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor and all that seems to matter is that I can't feel you anymore is that I don't feel you anymore i need a reason to sing i need reason to sing i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands i need a reason to sing These lyrics massaged the callouses off of my heart. I realized I couldn't speak because life just wasn't making sense, and it was hurting. And I realized, too, almost at the same moment, something about that anchor that went so deep. In an instant it was clear, though perhaps not verbally, that I always have a reason to sing, although I may be so weary and worn that I don't have the energy to come up with the words myself. There is a companion reprise track later on the album that I think captures and supports this response, and all it says is, "I will sing, sing sing, to my God and King, you are good and holy Lord, you are always the reason." So I may not have a lot to say for myself right now, and I still feel parched in some ways, but I now know that that river of life is coursing somewhere below the surface, ready to spring forth in praise and refreshment when the right time comes. Maybe that is peace like a river; grace to walk through a desert when the journey is longer than expected.

Blogalicious

Hello again, blog! I've been hiding out for a few weeks because I didn't have time to do much and I wanted to be private. So, here was the scenario. We moved to a new state a few months ago, renting, and then decided to buy the house next door to our rental. We closed on it, our possessions and my brain straddling two lots. I was stretched a bit thin. People came to help us move. A lot of people had told us that a short move would be the hardest we'd ever attempt. I couldn't see how that would be true. I still really don't, but no move is ever easy. I think the hardest thing was the assumption that it would be easy, though. When you move, you always have to adjust and figure out the best arrangement, not to mention actually finding the stuff that is in boxes, and not to mention that our stuff had been boxed up six months ago so I was still discovering where some of it was. Do I sound like I'm whining? That's not the direction I'm trying to go here. Stay with me! Okay, so I love, Love, LOVE my new house. That goes a long way toward establishing calm. It has so much natural light. To borrow a phase from Elizabeth Bennet, it is by no means lacking in windows (but we are by no means as pretentious as Lady Catherine (who is?)). However, the big push to get everything in to the new house happened three days before my husband left for training for three weeks. So, me in bright new house I love, disorganized somewhat, on my own with two preschoolers. And on to the subject of help. First I have to mention the great help I got. Several friends volunteered to come help us, and came through big time. Not to mention my fabulous family, who came in shifts to help us out. Stairs - did I mention stairs? Let's say that people got a workout (and I got sore). During the time that my husband was gone, we had two helpful visits from family, and one helpful visit to family. We are separated by hours of driving, so it requires some planning and a big effort. I think I'm gonna need to break up this post into more than one chunk. I have a little bit more story to tell and want to write some "take aways" from this brief but intense season. I leave you with these photos from my daughter's recent installation, "My New Hobby."

Moving Violations

I am trying to decide whether or not it's worth it to try to get any more boxes moved over from the house next door. It means herding the kids back and forth, and the ornery one is in a particular awful mood this morning. On the other hand, I am out of paper towels and my washer is out of commission so cloth ones are in short supply. I think I have a tool to help the one in a bad mood, but it is next door, and again, getting over and back is going to be a fight. I guess I'll have to try. It is so hard to plan right between houses. Situations like this have drained my energy and brain power. I am about to say something I may take back later. I think that either moving or watching kids when you're not quite unpacked is enough to try to do, but both at once is impossible. Yesterday I was driving the kids to Costco to get some little thing; really it was just an excuse to stay in the car for an extra hour. I noticed a police motorcycle ahead, checked my speed and the posted limit, and wasn't that surprised when I got pulled over. The guy was super nice, I must say. Later in the day I was taking a little reading break, and then stood up and hit my head on a light fixture hanging in the middle of the room. I'm just not used to it yet. So I got a goose egg. I think both of these things happened because I am so scattered from moving.

Outside the box

We are relocating, for the second time in less than six months. It was wise to rent first and then buy, but it does mean that we have an extra move. Fortunately, this one isn't far away. Tonight as I was packing up a box of my kids' blocks I realized part of the reason why moving is so hard for me - I want to figure out what I think is the best way to do everything first, and then do it. Trouble is, by the time I figure out the absolute best way of doing it, I could have done it sufficiently three times over. Now I know what my perfectionist, idealistic friends are thinking. That anything less than the best is not worth doing. But for me, it is to the point of paralysis sometimes. As I was packing up this box of blocks, which are irregularly shaped, I was rearranging them as I went, to find the best possible fit. I have tried arranging these blocks before; there is no perfect way to do it. No matter what, the lid just won't quite fit. And since I was just going to carry them by hand from my current house to our new house, it didn't have to be perfect. I really wish it could be. I want every little thing to be just divine - in both the spiritual and aesthetic sense (which makes me wonder if maybe those expressions are different perspectives on the same impulse). But sometimes, I think, I miss the forest for the trees. The main goal is really to get the blocks portable from here to there. Anyway, I had this tiny epiphany and shared it with my husband to try to show him I was growing in some way. He just nodded, and said, "Yeah." So obvious to him, I guess. He's more of a Git 'er Done guy, which is what I knew I needed.

Type A suppression

I think it is sometimes more pleasurable to plan for the future than deal with the present. I need to pack and move, but am thinking about my son's birthday party which is coming up in a month. It seems more fun to do that. Then I'll get to that other stuff. I'll feel energized, I think. The good thing is my daughter is learning lessons about this, too. She's learning that if she does what she needs to do in the present, things are better in the future. I don't think she really understands the future beyond a few hours or a night's sleep. I have wondered lately if I am a repressed Type A. In college I thought I was pretty intense and choleric. Somehow I mellowed out later. Being in a place where there seems like a lot of work to be done brings out the perfectionist in me. I have started a cupcake business that's been going for a few months. I think I enjoy making cupcakes because perfection is possible. It gives me something I can do where, at the end of a baking session, I have a batch of pretty things that make me, and someone else, happy.

Of Waffles and Women

Good morning! I didn't know what to make for breakfast this morning. My daughter woke up an hour early, so I had to figure something out. I hate that feeling. I've been kind of grumpy this morning, but not just because of that. I have to have the house all clean for a showing this afternoon, which is practically impossible with kids in it. Also several things got dropped on my foot, which always brings out the worst in me. I ended up making waffles, which were a hit except that my son threw a big fit over washing his hands, and then was throwing his food around. Maybe grumpiness is contagious. I decided to get some childcare for today so I can get some extra work done and keep the house tidy. I think the kids will have more fun away from grumpy mama anyway. Here is a thought I had: wouldn't it be great if churches offered a "planning period" for moms, in which childcare was provided, but nothing was expected of moms except to sit down and be thoughtful about the activities of the week ahead?

Never once did we ever walk alone

Well, hello there, Interwebs! How long has it been?

I apologize for the long silence.  I've been busy and wrapped up in all kinds of things.  We have moved, found a church, looked for houses to buy, visited friends and family, and generally lived our normal lives.

In all of that I think I almost forgot that God was leading us.  But yesterday I remembered that even in the weirdness,  it is good, because I knew God was leading us.  I think that finally my anthem for this season will be Matt Redman's "Never Once."  Not only because lyrically it is so appropriate, but because I heard it first at our new church.  It is precious to me how God works that way, daisy-chaining the Bible verses, events, and songs that are significant, leading me by that chord of kindness.

Well, my sweet daughter is awake; I'm not sure why she slept in but am glad it was long enough for me to write.

Holiday highlights

The twelve days of Christmas - when do they start?  Can they start now?  I'd like to spend twelve days dwelling on all of the goodness God has brought us this season.  He has certainly filled the hungry with good things, in so many ways.

It was a very crafty Christmas for me - I was able to work with the kids and make some gifts as well as just some fun activities.  Some were Advent-related, and some were just fun.

We spent so much more time with family in the past several weeks than we have been accustomed to in the past ten years - it has been a reunion of sorts.  The kids have LOVED seeing their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Especially "baby Jude" as they call him.

We've been able to enjoy the outdoors here in the desert.  The kids have been able to get fresh air and exercise.  Even today, they were outside for hours bouncing on their new trampoline.

I loved gifting this season.  I don't know why.  I think it was because I didn't have to travel; it really freed me up to be more thoughtful.

Altogether, this was just a really fun, family Christmas that I'm sure is going to present us with fond memories in the future.

Thanksgiving

We had our first Thanksgiving as returned Arizonans today.  It was sweet!  We got to host my parents - what better reason to push to get unpacked and settled!  I was thrilled.

My mom knew I was going to make cupcakes, so she surprised me with an early Christmas gift - a cupcake tree!  I arranged the top two tiers with the 10 turkey-topped cupcakes I made for today.  Even before I served them these little guys had brought so much fun to my life, but then when I put them on this stand my family said they looked like a choir - like a living Christmas tree pageant, if you've ever seen one of those.  They're right, of course.  Just imagine them singing, and try not to smile.

Speaking of smiles, I give you here my little boy enjoying finger foods from one of the pilgrim hat style combination plate and dipping-trays I made.  This was another super fun little project.

I liked when I took the picture below that I got so many people in the shot.  Mom and I were standing in my kitchen, just on the other side of that counter with the food on it.  That's my little girl with her Indian-style hat on that she made earlier this week.  My husband was in the kitchen most of the morning, since he made the turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce, and heated up the gravy.

Well, below is what it's all about; what we have to be thankful for.  I am thankful that my kids got to host their grandparents for Thanksgiving, that they saw them a week or so ago, and will see them in another week or so.  It's rather magical.

Side note: my daughter is wearing an outfit that my mom gave me at a baby shower for Kyrstin four years ago.  I just discovered yesterday that it would fit her, and was thrilled!  It has a bee motif.  On the bib it says, "Bee attitudes," and it is embroidered with attitudes I want to teach Kyrstin: Bee kind, Bee patient, Bee happy, and Bee thankful.  Seemed perfect for today.

We tried to get family pics for our Christmas card - it's all happening so fast! - but the kids wouldn't sit still.  We'll try again next weekend.

I've been trying to teach Kyrstin about Thanksgiving; we have a children's storybook that, I think, fairly represents the story from both the native American and European points of view.  It states as fact that there was a group of people who did not appreciate the way they were forced to worship, and so they were looking for another place to live.  Meanwhile in BSF we have been studying Abraham, and looking at Hebrews 11, which describes Abraham and others looking for the promised land.  

"[T]hey admitted they were strangers and aliens on the earth.  People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.  If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.  Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them" (13c-16).

I thought a lot about the faith and endurance of those early settlers.  I know they could have returned on the Mayflower when it sailed back after that first winter, but they didn't; they worked it out  because they believed.  Deep down they must have had the conviction of things not seen, and they stood and walked by faith.  It is a courageous legacy, one that I hope that I can grow and pass on to my family.

True buttercream

Nom nom nom.

Goofy drivers

Kids at my favorite grocery store out here.

Thus far the Lord has helped me

I read this week in my bible study about how when Noah emerged from the Ark one of the first things he did was to set up an altar and worship God.  Well, we have made it to this point in our journey, and thus far, the Lord has helped us.  So this post is a notch in the tree to help me think on all of God's blessings.

Here are a few specific things He has helped us with already:

- getting my husband a job
- finding us a place to live
- finding buyers for our house
- helping us find a church
- actually physically getting out here
- finding us a really great grocery store (sounds silly but I love it)
- sweet reunions with family once we got out here

These are some pretty big pegs.  I was challenged to change my thinking earlier this week.  One of the things the Lord used was this oldish song by Out of the Grey, which I heard on my TV's "Contemporary Christian" channel.  Good songs have staying power, and I'm glad the Lord brought this one out of the dust as a mile marker for me.

All things weird and wonderful

So today is Halloween. Always a weird day, but especially for us since we literally just moved yesterday. I have been full of all kinds of expectations. Right now our house is a box forest and we are all tired. As I ran an errand today I had to admit that I was feeling kind of weird. Not at home. A bit lost even. Then I realized that its going to take awhile for everything to feel normal, and that that's okay. In the meantime I have the comforting assurance that we are right where we are supposed to be, and that is wonderful.

Here are a few pics of weird and wonderful moments: prepping the caravan, driving through a border patrol station just inside the Easter arizona border, and gazing upon mountains and desert trees from the back porch.

Crickets

Just in case you're (p)interested

Ah, delay! What grief it has sometimes been to me, and yet, what a blessing in disguise! It is a delay that allows me to write this post, sitting here in front of this fire.

We are shifting our deeply-rooted lives 1000 miles west. That is a big ship to turn around. It takes a little more time than we thought.

I've been taking pics of things I think will be my last, like this cup of coffee brewed in my house. Please excuse my hair. I told my husband that I felt like packing up the coffeemaker would be the point of no return. Well, it's not sealed up yet, but I'd kinda rather not get it back out tomorrow, since I washed the carafe. That seems like boring news for the Internet.

Okay, so here's something kind of fun. Pumpkin spice bagels! Yahoo! I'm enjoying all the pumpkin ness.

I'm not on Pinterest, but it benefitted me the other day when I asked my girlfriends for advice on packing up my necklaces. An idea from Pinterest was to thread skinny ones through a straw so they didn't get tangled. So I did. If I were on Pinterest, I'd post this idea. I decided to roll up my busy necklaces in a towel, like so. It made a little necklace log that was easy to pack. TAda! I don't think this is super original, but it was a good solution.

This huge, bright truck is in my driveway. Isn't it pretty? The kids have had a great time running up and down the ramp. Here is my hubs, who essentially wore himself out yesterday and today, loading said vehicle.

So, we're to the point where the house looks like this. And we still have stuff like this in the garage. (Pic was taken during the day, FYI.). So there is just enough left to do that by taking an extra day we can enjoy this fire tonight, rest up, and then wrap up properly and without strain.

Oh yeah, one more pinteresty thing - I saw these apple nachos a site with a other fall recipe I like, and made them for the kids a few times. Nutella a d pb. They LOVE them. Who wouldn't, right? Do other families also go through a jar of Nutella per week, or is it just us, and the novelty of it?

So anyway, in case you're pinterested, we're a day behind but doing fine.